A Marauder's Guide to Falling Forever

Chapter Forty Nine

Sirius

"Sirius, we love you but you can't stay here forever," Lily said with a motherly authority. "This isn't good for you to live like this."

"And how else am I supposed to live?" he snapped. "She's gone. I can't go back there."

"Nobody says you have to go back to the house, Sirius," Lily's voice softened. Sirius avoided looking at her, the grief threatening to consume him again. He preferred when Lily was angry; it made the emotions easier to control. He could handle rage, but he could not handle the sadness. It was just too much.

"Then where do I go?" he demanded. "I have nobody. Nothing."

Lily's arms wrapped around him in an effort to comfort him, but he shook her off. The softness of her tone hardened again, "You're not the only one suffering Sirius. I lost her too!"

"It's not the same!" he roared, ready to pick another fight with anyone over anything at all. He and Lily were lucky that James was nearby because he was a frequent mediator between the two.

Swiftly, James stepped in between and said something to Lily that wasn't loud enough for Sirius to hear. She let out a loud huff before removing herself from the room and slammed a door somewhere else within the cottage. That satisfied Sirius, knowing that he had pissed her off.

"Padfoot, mate," James warned. "We can't keep doing this."

"So what am I supposed to do then?" he sneered. "What do you suggest I do? Because apparently nobody is willing to hex me until I forget. Maybe I should break into the Department of Mysteries and touch one of those damn prophecies. End up like Tom. That'll keep my mind off things for awhile. Hell, I bet Tom would even let me waltz into the place if he knew what I had in mind."

"Stop!" James yelled at him. "Seriously. Stop. Listen to yourself! You're being ridiculous."

"PUT YOURSELF IN MY POSITION AND THEN TELL ME AGAIN HOW RIDICULOUS I'M BEING!" Sirius yelled back even louder. Upstairs the wailing sounds of Harry filled the small cottage, the only thing to trigger a fleeting sense of remorse in Sirius. As much as he was angry at the world, he did not wish to cause harm to Harry.

"I can't," James spoke quietly. "I can't even begin to imagine what I would do or how I would feel if that was Lily..."

"Then don't tell me I'm being ridiculous."

"Look. You are allowed to grieve in any way you want that doesn't hurt yourself or others. But you're turning into a completely different person, Padfoot. And it's beginning to worry us."

"Worry you or worry Lily?"

"Both."

The two boys stood staring at one another in a challenging sort of manner before Sirius finally broke contact and fell to the couch. He buried his head in his hands and attempted to suppress another wave of anguish.

He was unsuccessful.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed. "I'm so sorry." But he wasn't apologizing to James. Not really. His friend sat beside him on the couch, and Sirius felt his strong hand clamp down on his shoulder, giving him a firm squeeze of comfort. Neither one of them knew how to continue on past that.

And the nightmares continued.