You Are The Reason

Chapter 2: The Bitter End of Scavi

Author's Note: Here is Avi's point of view. I tried to make the timeline fit together with actual events... but I lost some of the exact dates of some of these things starting, ending, etc.  I hope it's alright!! 

Chapter 2: The Bitter End of Scavi

"What... exactly... what's your problem with me?"

Avi froze, staring directly into Scott's blue eyes. He could tell that Scott was trying desperately to be strong in the moment, but that the dam was threatening to break. Avi's heart broke for him. This wasn't what he wanted. He was the last person Avi wanted to hurt. Scott should never feel unwanted.

Ever.

Avi felt his mouth open and close a few times, with no words emerging, like a fish out of water.

Scott's voice suddenly filled the silence, rambling, sounding shaky. "Please tell me what I did. Avi, I'm so sorry. I honestly can't remember offending you. I can't remember making you uncomfortable, hurting you... please. If you tell me what I did, I promise I'll work as hard as I can... to fix it..."

Avi didn't deserve to hear these words. He didn't deserve attention, let alone effort from the man in front of him. He had handled everything so poorly. He was embarrassed, ashamed. But his heart hurt, and he didn't know how else to handle this.

"You didn't do anything, Scott."

"Why don't you want to be around me?" Scott sounded unsure of himself. He sounded small.

"I guess I just... never felt terribly close to you..." Avi allowed his voice to trail off. The words felt like they were cutting his tongue as they left his mouth. Avi had never been good at lying.

Avi had always been able to read Scott's emotions through his eyes. He had always found how expressive they were to be intriguing. Right now, they looked broken, and Avi wanted to slap himself for doing that to him.

"We've never had much in common, you have to admit" Avi shrugged, the words falling out of him like word vomit.

"I guess I didn't realize that," Scott nearly whispered, breaking eye contact to look at his feet. "I always enjoyed being around you... you know?"

"I just can't imagine us... hanging out... alone. Friends of friends. That's how I always considered us to be. Now that I'm not in the band, I guess I just can't think of much to say." Avi lied again.

"I'm... I'm sorry you feel that way." Scott's hand came up to rub at the back of his neck, looking heartbreakingly uncomfortable in his own skin. Avi wanted desperately just to hug him, and to tell him that none of this was his fault. That none of what he was saying was true, but that he was just so messed up that he couldn't express what was really wrong.

"I'm gonna go." Scott mumbled. Avi assumed that he meant he was over this bullshit conversation, and that he was going to return outside. He watched through the window in horror, however, as Scott approached each of his friends and gave them a hug. He overheard him tell Mitch that he could get a ride home with Kirstie, ignoring the concerned comments and goodbyes from his friends as he left.

Avi stood with his back against the wall, alone in the kitchen. He slammed his head back against the wall three times, feeling an overwhelming sense of self-loathing rush over him as his head collided painfully with the drywall.

Despite the pit in his stomach, knowing that he had hurt someone who meant more to him than he had ever admitted to anyone, once Scott left, Avi felt more at-ease. He talked more with the group, and he even found himself smiling.