Blank Slate Kate

Chapter 17

It's weird, being told that the husband you don't remember had an affair. I am shocked and disgusted and disappointed, but I don't feel those emotions to the sickening depths Donna certainly must have. My confusion is more intellectual than passionate. "I don't understand. I thought you were in love." When he found me at the police station he seemed like he loved me, like he was deeply relieved to see me safe and sound. Had that all been an act?

"We were," he says quickly. "We are. Well, I am anyhow." He takes my hand. "I still love you, Donna. I never stopped."

I ease my hand away. "Hard to believe, don't you think? Why did you cheat then?"

The waiter arrives. "Can I get you two anything else?"

"No, just the bill," Ryan says without looking at him.

"You have the bill, sir. I left it for you a while ago."

His faint over-emphasis on how long it's been gets through to Ryan, and he slaps some money down on the table and says, "There. Thank you so much for making us feel welcome to stay."

The waiter pales. "I'm sorry, sir, I didn't mean to--"

"You did, actually. But whatever." Ryan takes a deep breath, then stands and holds out his hand to me. "Are you ready to come with me?"

He's not just asking if I want to leave, I can tell. He's asking how far I'm willing to go with him, how I feel about staying with him. I don't have an answer so I get up, ignoring his outstretched hand, and walk out of the restaurant, knowing he'll follow.

Outside, he takes gentle hold of my shoulder and turns me around. "I'm sorry. I know how you must feel."

"Do you? I doubt it. I'm supposed to be remembering that I love you and now I find out you didn't love me."

"I did, I do," he says, his voice low but full of passion. "It was stupid."

"Of course it was," I snap. "Affairs always are. Why did you do it? Who was she? Did I know her?"

He sighs, and I say, "Oh, I'm sorry, do my questions bother you?"

He moves closer, his eyes sparking with a sudden fury. "I hate myself for it, Donna. Every single day since the affair started I've hated myself, and I hated myself ten times more after I told you and saw how much it hurt you, and a thousand times more after it made you run away from me. The only good thing about your amnesia is that you don't remember it all. So, yes, your questions bother me, because I don't want to tell you the whole story and hurt you again and I know I have to."

We stare at each other for another moment, then he reaches out and smooths my hair, the anger in his eyes replaced by such tenderness I can barely stand to see it. "I never wanted to hurt you. I love you. Now and forever."

He pulls off his wedding band and holds it up for me to see those three words engraved inside. "Now and forever," he says again. "I will never stop loving you."

The emotion and honesty in his eyes are killing me. He does love me. He cheated on me, but he loves me. And I don't remember the cheating so the love seems far more important. "Is that in my ring too?" I whisper, hardly able to speak.

He nods, and I slip my rings off my right hand and peer inside. My engagement ring is blank but sure enough, my wedding ring bears the same words.

"I don't know what to say."

He shakes his head. "You don't have to say anything. Just know I love you. I have screwed up in more ways than I could ever tell you, but I love you. Now and forever."