Blank Slate Kate

One Year Later

Ryan and I sit close together at the restaurant table.

"Think the hostess remembered us?"

I giggle. "She might have. Stuff your hands full of bread and go talk to her."

"You go."

I pretend to be offended. "I can't. It'd be inappropriate."

He pats my bulging stomach. "Baby won't mind."

"Baby's on my side, you know. Since he kind of needs me at the moment."

He laughs. "Sure, for now. But in three months, once he's out and I start buying him presents..."

I fake indignation again. "You're going to bribe our child to love you?"

"Maybe. But first..." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small box which he lays on the table before me. "I'll see if it works on you."

"Too late," I say, "since I already do love you."

"Maybe you'll love me more."

I begin unwrapping the gift. "Impossible."

But I realize he might well have managed it when I see the stunning amethyst necklace we spotted in a store window months before. I'd made him take me back a week later when I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I'd been so disappointed to find it gone. "You... how did you get this?"

He grins. "Went back and bought it the day after we saw it since you loved it so much. I've been saving it for our anniversary."

"You're wonderful. Thank you. It's been the best year of my life," I say.

He takes my hand and kisses it. "Me too."

For a while after our private wedding, he found it difficult to say how happy he was with me because it felt disloyal to Donna. I understood, though, and we talked openly about it, and eventually he relaxed into our new life together.

"I didn't get you anything," I say, sneaking my free hand into my purse in my lap. He's halfway through saying it doesn't matter when I find and hand him a box of my own. "Anything except this, I mean."

He laughs. "You're a devious one, Kate."

"That's why you love me."

He grins and unwraps the box, and I watch him and wonder yet again how I got so lucky. True, my memories haven't come back, and by now no doctor thinks they will. But Ryan and I have built new ones over this past year that will last me a lifetime.

The way his eyes lit up with tears and happiness when on Christmas Eve we discovered I was pregnant, our joy at the ultrasound picture that showed we would have a son, the deep satisfaction of seeing my work as Hannah's CEO help her business become the hottest thing in Toronto fashion... these are things I'll never forget.

Not to mention the pride in my husband's face as I replaced Donna's non-disclosure form with one allowing Grace to contact me after her eighteenth birthday if she wishes. I don't have many answers for her, but I'll share everything I can. Secrets cause too much pain.

That's why I insisted we admit that I'd become Kate, admit it to everyone. I couldn't hide my new identity unless I kept everyone from getting close to me and I wouldn't do that. People were shocked, of course, but within weeks they were used to calling me Kate and to occasionally having to explain a reference I'd forgotten. After six months, I legally changed my name. I didn't want to pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't ever want to do that again. I have a life I've built from scratch that fits me perfectly.

I work from home most of the time, in my gorgeous vibrant office on the second floor of a house that's becoming more colorful every time I shop. It turns out that Ryan would have liked a little more color but didn't want to push Donna into it, but he doesn't have to push me at all. I  go to Toronto once a month or so to meet with Hannah, and occasionally to drop in and see how Ned's doing with what he's still calling MMC even though I sold it to him because it's just not me any more, and every time I'm there I make it a point to find something new and alive for our home.

Doctor Fern, my Ottawa therapist, encourages this, saying that the energy of the things in the house will help boost my energy and mood. Whether it's that, or the drugs and therapy and my sheer love of my new life, I'm not sure, but for the last year I haven't suffered any significant depressive episodes. I'm so grateful, and if more hot-pink pillows might keep me out of the darkness I'll buy them by the truckload.

Even Claire has come around a bit, although we're never going to be anywhere close to best friends, because she can see how happy Ryan is now and of course because she's going to be a grandmother. Jake hasn't come around, and we haven't spoken for months, but I hear from Hannah, who got over her crush on him by falling into a relationship with her web site designer, that he's doing well. I hope so. Without him, everything would have been so different. I might never have made it back to Ryan.

Ryan, whose voice rouses me from my thoughts. "Kate, it's gorgeous," he says, looking at the heavy gold money clip I bought to replace his flimsy one. "And it's engraved."

He peers at it and I say, "Where are your glasses?"

"At home," he responds, as I knew he would. He's only had the reading glasses a few months and still can't accept that he needs them. I think it's adorable.

"Shall I read it to you then, old man?"

"Fine, young but aggravating woman."

I take the clip back. "The front just has your initials."

"I'm not that blind yet. What about the back side?"

I clear my throat. "It says, 'To the one I'll never forget.'"

He reaches across the table and takes my hand, his eyes full of love and a deep peace. "Now and forever, Kate."

"Now and forever," I echo, and I feel our son kick within me as if he agrees.