Blank Slate Kate

Chapter 31

I spend the whole next week trying to decide where I belong and what I should do.

At my Tuesday therapy session I tell Doctor Ferraro everything that happened between me and Ryan over the weekend, and as we discuss it I start to make myself let Ryan go. He so clearly wanted me to leave him alone, did everything but kick me out the door. Why keep hanging on when he doesn't want me to?

My Thursday session is all about what I want: Doctor Ferraro refuses to let me even mention Jake or Ryan. It's almost impossible at first, but I eventually begin to realize some things I want to do with my life. I'd like to help Hannah with her business, since I know she's passionate about it and I admire that and since I don't know if I'll ever be able to pick up where Donna left off at MMC. I also want to brighten my apartment and try every last drink on the Starbucks menu instead of always drinking my signature coffee. They're not big goals, but they're mine, and Doctor Ferraro and I are delighted with them.

I call Hannah that same day and we spend hours together on Friday moving her business forward. It's great fun, and I feel useful and productive for the first time I can remember. In return, she buys me three different drinks from the Starbucks menu as we work and a hot-pink pillow for my apartment afterwards.

After a weekend spent alternating between struggling with the still uncooperative Bubbly Words and trying to convince myself there's no point in finding Donna's past if Ryan doesn't want me in his future, I go back to Doctor Ferraro and let her know what I accomplished with Hannah. She's thrilled, and this time wants to talk about Jake and Ryan and where I see my future. I want it to be with Ryan, but after an hour spent discussing them both I can't stop thinking about Jake so I call and ask him to meet me for lunch. I haven't seen him for ages, since things began heating up with Ryan, and his pleasure at the invitation makes me wonder if perhaps my future lies with him instead of with Ryan.

But the second I lay eyes on him outside the restaurant I know it doesn't. Objectively I have to admit he's better-looking than Ryan, but when I look at him that doesn't matter. All I see is that he's not Ryan. I love my husband and I don't think that's ever going to change even though he doesn't want me.

Jake's eyebrows go up as I stand staring at him. "You okay, Kate?"

I take a long deep breath. "I am. Things are..." I shake my head.

"Things are," he agrees. "They sure are."

I smile at him, and he reaches out to hug me. I press my forehead to his shoulder and give a deep sigh. My first memory of safety is his arms around me, and it does feel good to have him holding me again. But it feels like being wrapped in a plush blanket on a cold night, not like a lover's embrace. I know the difference now.

We go into the restaurant and chat about nothing while we place our orders and await our food. He knows there's something going on, though, something deeper. I can see it in his face. I realize now that I've always been able to see what he thinks and feels, in contrast to Ryan who's so much more closed-off.

My heart twinges, as it does every time I think of Ryan, and Jake puts his hand over mine but doesn't speak. I don't either, not sure where to start, and we sit in a soft peaceful silence until our food arrives.

He takes two bites then says, "So. How's it all going? I've been worried about you."

I smile, but it wobbles. "Oh, Jake. I don't even know where to start."

I manage, though. I tell him I have fallen in love with my husband and lost him to Donna. I tell him I was at the airport ready to run but that I don't want to run any more. I tell him I'll be living my life in Toronto, because there's nothing for me in Ottawa.

Then I tell him the last part, the hardest part to say. "I don't know whether we can be friends, Jake."

He leans forward. "Why not?"

Because you told me before that you really like me, and your eyes said maybe you love me? So it's not fair to you to just be friends?

I can't figure out how to word it, but he gives a slow nod. "Okay, I admit I'd like us to be more than friends. But..." He sets down his fork and takes my hand again. "You do like me, right?"

I nod. "But not like that."

He gives my hand a squeeze. "I get it. I just want to know if you like me at all."

"Of course. You're great."

"And you aren't disgusted by the idea of dating me?" He smiles, clearly sure he knows the answer. "Does the thought of kissing me make you sick?"

It doesn't, and in fact a shiver runs through me at the memory of our kisses. But they were all physical. The first kiss I shared with Ryan, outside that restaurant, went all the way to my soul. "That's not enough. No, you're not repulsive, but you have to know I love Ryan. I don't want to make you think we'll be something more." I take a deep breath. "Because I know we won't be."

His smile is gone and he lets go of my hand. "It's because of the... accusation, right?"

"No, I wasn't even thinking about that. It's just about how I feel about you."

He's not listening. "I thought you'd believe that I didn't hurt her. I thought you knew me better than that. You certainly wanted me before. If you hadn't known about that, you'd want to be with me. If he hadn't told you."

I raise my chin, anger charging through me. "If Ryan hadn't told me, I would still not want to be with you. Yes, at the beginning you and I had a connection, but once I found him, everything changed."

Jake gives a cold laugh. "Sure did. You went all secretive. I bet you know exactly why Donna left him and you're keeping it to yourself so I won't judge him like you're judging me."

"I'm not judging you. Look, do you want to know what I think of the accusation? Fine," I say, words tumbling from me. "I do think she said no, and I think you didn't hear it and went ahead. Not on purpose, not maliciously, but you just didn't see the signs. Like you don't seem to see the signs here. My feelings for you, or lack thereof, aren't from Ryan. They're all mine. And we won't be more than friends."

He pushed his chair back and says quietly but with icicles in his voice, "We won't be that either, if you can sit there and say you think I... took that woman against her wishes." He stands and glares down at me. "God, Kate. Not everything you think has to be said."

He storms out, and I lean back in my chair and sigh. I didn't mean to hurt him, and I hadn't intended to admit what I thought either. Maybe I should copy my alter-ego and keep my thoughts and emotions locked away where they can't hurt anyone.

***

Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you’re enjoying Kate's story. The next chapter will be uploaded on Tuesday! :) (Please note - I'm working really hard on another book and am behind on comments here - but I hugely appreciate them! :)

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