vent book

i'm tired

trigger warning: mention of dark themes such as self harm and suicide. i dunno, i might delete this in a short while. i don't know.

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i'm tired. i'm so, so so very tired.

i have no one. not friends. not a close family member like cousin.

but i have a mother, and i have a boyfriend. as selfish as it might sound, i don't feel special...whatever. it doesn't matter i guess.

sometimes i feel like i don't matter. no one really cares. even as a child, i was only tolerated by my family. they have always mistreated me...outcasted me, and even admitted they forgot i even existed. they didn't want to invite me to things, but did it out if curtesy. i know because they looked disappointed when i accepted. they have always much rather spend time with other people. they told me i was annoying. they would lock my in the closet and block the door knowing i was afraid if the dark. the would make fun of me because my dad is from Africa. they knew i was too afraid to watch horror movies, yet made me watch them and called me a crybaby and other names if an adult made them turn it off because i would cry. they knew i couldn't stand loud noises because my hearing was ultra sensitive, yet they criticized me when i cried because of it. they would trigger my fears because they thought it was funny.

i'm so tired.

i hate myself. i always have. i hate that i was born and most of the time i hate that i'm still here.

my friend have hurt me so much, i can't even imagine me starting any new friendships. it's like i got the short end of the stick with everything. a childhood friend from way back when we were 2 & 3, we were best friends. but somewhere down the line, she switched up on me. she would make fun of me because i got hand me downs, especially since a lot of them were hers. she would share my business with her friends. she would let her friends make fun of me. she never wanted me around, and the only reason i was ever included in anything, it was because her mother invited me. she would embarrass me in front of her friends. she would never stick up for me when her friends would bad talk me. i would tell her a goal i set for myself and she would always try to beat me to it.

with "friends" from school...they never included me. no matter how much i would try to add myself, they would push me away. they didn't really talk to me unless the others were around. but whenever i would just distance myself, suddenly i was the bad guy. it was confusing, i didn't know if they wanted me around or not.

i don't know. is something wrong with me?

i tried to make new friends on my own, but it just never worked out well. most of the time it was because i moved schools too much.

when i finally thought i met a lifelong friend during my freshman year of high school, she abandoned me for someone else she'd met. adding myself to the mix was hardly an option because they didn't really even look at or acknowledge the stuff i'd say.

am i just being whiny? am i wrong for the way i feel?

i have always felt abandoned by everyone i would meet, even family. i don't know if i'm being selfish.

from a young age, i've always kind of self-harmed even if i didn't know it. i had, and still have, a very big tendency to hurt my head. to bang it against something, to smash it on something, until i got a headache. sometimes i even punch myself in the head and yank my hair. sometimes i would even use my belt to choke myself until i could no longer breathe. honestly, i was bad enough to be admitted into an "inpatient hospital", but either kept it hidden good enough that no one noticed i was unhinged or ... generally no one just noticed.

i've always secretly wanted to die. hoped i would get hurt, hoped i would get harmed, and one time i even considered putting myself into a self-induced coma. a lot of the time i eat what i know im not supposed to because i feel like i deserve to feel pain and suffering. sometimes i would burn myself , by warming up metal or copper items until they got hot and forced myself to deal with the burning pain until i would go numb. at some point i actually became pain tolerant. even when i accidentally hurt myself i couldn't really feel it. i think at that point i had emotionally gone so numb to the point where physical pain no longer hurt me, so...

i started hurting myself mentally by triggering myself. i had gotten so convinced i didn't deserve to be happy. that nothing i would do would ever be enough. i cried so much that at some point i couldn't anymore. i started sleeping a lot more, eating a lot less.

sometimes i even thought about ending it all. sometimes the thought of the people in my life taking my death and lying that we used to be close would stop me. it's a stupid reason, i know, but it is surprisingly the main reason i'm still here.

watching what would happen when other people in the family died was the reason the thought developed. i noticed that people's death would really wake the lies in some people, and the thought of someone false-claiming any type of bond with me just pisses me off.

either that or expressing their "regret" that they didn't interact with me much, or know that i would take such an extreme route. well, you'd know if you didn't shut me out.

don't wait until i'm dead to try and give me flowers, that's how i feel.

...

ugh.

somehow venting still doesn't make me feel better. i feel selfish for feeling how i do. i feel stupid. i still feel like shit. i don't feel better in the slightest. sigh.

i don't know what to do. there's so much that's happened and i don't know how to process it. i don't want to tell my mother about a lot of the things that happened to me because i don't want her to feel like it was her fault, because it was never her fault. she was only trying to take care of me and it just so happened that maybe no one else wanted to. i never told her because i didn't want to cause trouble within the family or even within her friendships. i was too scared to tell anyway.

i'm so tired.

i'm so tired.

i'm so, so tired...

...and i feel so alone.