vent book

why

trigger warning: mention of se*yak assault, r*pe

i don't know why, but keep having dreams about me being violated. if brings me a deep and familiar sense of dread every time. it keeps haunting me. i don't know what's going on

for the past month or two, anything remotely sexual has grossed me out and disgusted me as i slowly came to remember my childhood where a lot of people touched me inappropriately. it made me sick to my stomach in both disgust and fear. i don't know why, but every time i try to open up to my boyfriend about it, i just break down crying. i don't know why, but the mere mention releases this un-rememberable traumatic moment that somehow the rest of my body remembers. as far as i remember, nothing never went too much farther than an inappropriate touch.

but anyway...i keep having these dreams where an older male family member completely violated me. i remember them so vividly, and from within the dream i think about how familiar it felt and how dreadful it made me feel. i remember in my dream i was thinking, "these are the memories I was trying to suppress" as I was assaulted once more. I hugged myself into a fetal position.

Where are these dreams coming from? It went from me seeing my dead cousin to re-living some type of trauma i don't even think I have but for some reason feels dreadfully familiar. that's the THIRD TIME this week.

I can't. I haven't been able to sleep for YEARS because I keep having nightmares, but lately, ever since I lost my cousin...it's felt so personal. What's going on?