Imperfect Harmony: JATP ~Charlie Gillespie~

~Sixteen~

TW: mentions of anxiety 

I spent the whole weekend diving through the internet, looking for everything about me and my fake relationship. Almost everything pings me as the bad guy, saying I broke his heart and cheated. 

It doesn't help that when I scroll through my instagram comments, all I see are hate comments aimed at me. Even on stuff my friends posted with me, people are tearing me down. 

By Monday, it has become too much. I've been struggling mentally lately and this just pushed me over the edge. I call Kenny and let him know that I won't be coming in to work today because I have a fever. I feel bad lying, but I will not ever let someone know how bad I am mentally struggling, it makes me feel weak. 

I spend the morning laying on the couch, starring out the large window that covers one of the walls in my living room. I want to scream, cry, do something but I can't. I just feel numb. 

Someone knocks on my door in the early afternoon and I answer it to see Charlie. "Are you okay?" 

I nod and fake a smile, "Yeah, I just feel a little under the weather today and didn't want to get anyone sick. You should probably go, I don't want to infect you." Charlie ignores me and walks into the apartment, "Or come right in." 

I sit back down on the couch and Charlie frowns at me, "Are you sure you are okay? Did something happen with Clarke? Did he say something?"

"What? No, nothing happened with Clarke. Why do you hate him so much?" I ask, defensively. 

Charlie frowns, "I don't hate him, I just don't think he is the guy for you." 

I stand up, "Well, that's not really your decision to make. I think you should go." 

Charlie turns around and grab the door knob, but doesn't leave. Instead he mutters a sentence that changes everything, "I love you."

I stop breathing, "What?" 

He turns around, his eyes full of emotion, "I love you, Kaya." 

I shake my head, "No, you don't." 

Charlie takes a step forward, "I do, I really love you. I love the way you scream at the top of your lungs every time you drive. I love how you refuse to say 'oh my god' and you instead always say 'oh my gosh.' I love the way you sit with your glasses on the tip of your nose. I love how you have to smell your candle every time you come home. I love how excited you get when you talk about something you love. I love how when you smile, your right eye crinkles more than the left."

I shake my head and try to steady my breathing, "Stop it, Charlie."

"I have been falling in love with you from the moment I met you, even though I thought you would never love me back. I didn't care, I still feel for you. And I don't think I will ever stop loving you, because you are the most beautiful, caring, sarcastic girl in the world." 

I shake my head again and step back, "Stop it, Charlie. You don't love me. You love this version of me that I pretend to be everyday. You couldn't possibly love the real me because you haven't ever met her. You haven't ever met the girl that comes home broken down every day, the girl who can't sleep through the night because every time I close my eyes I see the man who tried to drown his own daughter. You like the happy, carefree version of me, not the reality. Because trust me, the truth is way too much to handle."

Charlie gently touches my arm, "I love you, the real you."

I step back from him and move my arm away, "No, you don't. Please leave." 

"Kaya-" 

I turn around and look out the window so he doesn't see me cry, "Get out, Charlie." 

"Just can't just push away everyone who cares about you." I listen to him leave my apartment and then I fall to the ground and break down in tears. 

I did the right thing, he wouldn't want to be with this version of me who feels numb and unable to breathe ninety percent of the time. No, this is good. This is what we both need. You did the right thing. 

Author's Note: I am in love with this chapter. I think it so sad, but very much needed. Thank you for all the support!!