Chasing Stars ✔️

33.

"Si la nuit les étoiles relaient le soleil, c'est pour ne pas laisser s'éteindre l'espérance" – Brigitte Jackes

She

My hands ran through the cold surface of the brown cover. I had noticed the signs of the years in it the first time I held the little book, but looking closely, I could really see the telltale details of how many times it had been manipulated.

Underneath the daylight, there were traces of a delicate gold design around the edge. The pages gained a yellow coloration and the form of soft waves as if the paper had been exposed to humidity. Lumps made me guess some pages could have something taped to them... Pictures, yes. Knowing grandmother, there were bound to be pictures inside the old journal.

Taking a deep breath, I let my finger linger for a second before opening it. As predicted, two pictures were taped onto the first page. Green eyes stared back at me in a background that years had faded beyond recognition. The little girl was smiling. Round, flustered cheeks were framed by the curls of bright red hair pinned in two perfect-looking pigtails. Yellow ribbons popped on each side, matching her jumper... if innocence could be captured in a photo, that would be it.

There were no doubts in my mind about the identity of the girl, but the round, well-designed handwrite of my grandmother was there to confirm. "Victoria, 6 years old."

Abruptly, I closed the journal. The scent of old paper saturated the air, as a curtain of tears blurred my vision. That beautiful, happy child was the woman I had confessed to hating the day before.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. No. It wasn't that little girl that I hated, but the woman she had become. A flash of the last time I had seen her came to mind. Her eyes weren't bright and alive, they were glassy, dilated, tainted by furiously red lines... Who could ever guess the little girl in the photo would be that woman? Were there ways to tell? To stop it? When did she become afraid of the dark? And why? I had never asked, didn't have the chance... Would it make a difference?

The words I had told Dr. B played nonstop in my head. I never thought I would say them out loud. I hated her. That was a fact, the past couldn't be changed. No point in dwelling on it.

I moved to the bathroom, starting my morning routine, but my thoughts were unstoppable. The implication of Dr. B's final words was not lost on me. Was I projecting my traumas, my fears on Jake? It had been over a month, wasn't it ridiculous that I was still afraid to see him? The days we spent together at La Rosa, I kept thinking about how I could still see the little boy with blue-rimmed glasses in the man he grew up to be. So maybe...

"Alexa?", Sabrina's voice interrupted my considerations. "I'm leaving, ok?"

I jumped to the door, opening it before she could go.

"No, wait. Can I get a ride? I just need to put my shoes on."

"I thought you didn't have classes this morning?"

"I need to go to the library," I explained while running to grab my shoes. "I have some catching up to do, because of the time I was in Westport. I'll eat something when I get there."

Looking up, I saw a strained smile on my sister's face. "I mean, if you can't give me a ride, I can take the bus. And I will talk to Dr. B, about driving to campus without a chaperone..."

"No, no. I don't mind it at all. It's just... I was going to stop at Brian's, just to check up on him... but I'm sure he will be alone," she added quickly.

"Oh..."

Maybe it was a sign, I thought. I was just asking myself how could I reevaluate my feelings if I kept avoiding him. And it would be casual, I was going there with Sabrina, maybe I would see him, maybe I wouldn't but it could be a step in the right direction...