Chasing Stars ✔️

37.

"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night...You - only you - will have stars that can laugh." - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

She

I kept being pulled towards it. Like with any kind of attraction, I couldn't find a logical explanation for it; my hands just couldn't resist the pull, and I found myself holding the small journal again.

I had been through more of its pages, finding recipes, small notes to remember anniversaries, phone numbers, a few more pictures of Victoria. There was no order to it. Some entries had a date, others didn't, but it seemed like sometimes years had passed without grandma writing a single word.

Miss Blush approached me as soon as I took the small book out of my bag; sniffing the object in my hands. She must have found the smell of old paper unappealing and turned away from it, preferring to take a nap–two things I was incapable of doing.

My fingers traced the edge of the page that featured a recipe for an orange cake, with a side note mentioning the birthday of someone named Julie. On the next page, there was a small text that started with a date at the top. My heart rate picked up at the sight of it.

Dear Alexandra,

Today you were born for this world, and I was born as a grandmother.

I hope we shall have a beautiful journey together, and even if I cannot always be around, my love always will.

The picture of a small red-faced baby was taped under the few lines my grandmother dedicated to my birth. I didn't remember ever seeing pictures of myself as a baby, but certainly, that was me. My eyes lingered on the picture for a moment before my fingertips started itching at the possibility of more notes addressed to me.

Page after page, there were more pictures and notes I couldn't make sense of. I had to skip a few blank pages that sent my heart sinking before I came across what I was looking for.

Sucking in a breath, I pushed my legs closer against my chest, balancing the book against my knees.

Dear Alexandra.

My gaze froze on those two words. Despite the name that no one used to address me anymore, and the term of endearment that tasted somehow empty, those words were for me.

My trembling hand adjusted the book. There was no reason to be nervous, was it?

Dear Alexandra,

Today I spent the day with you. It was your 9th birthday and, as usual, we both had a lot of fun at our tea party. It brings me more joy than I can explain to see what a smart little girl you are. As I went on the train at the end of the day, I couldn't help but ask myself if you will still want a tea party next year, and the year after that.

I've known for a couple of years now that my heart is turned into a ticking bomb, and I feel that soon it will stop beating.

I wish I could tell you I'm not scared and that I am at peace with the end of my days, as I lived a long full life, but that, my dear, would be a lie. I have done far too much lying in my life. Seems to me that, for both our sakes, I should try to honor my end with some truths.

I don't know when you will read this; or if you ever will. I honestly hope you do, even if it hurts my soul to know that it will, at the very least, taint your memories about that grandma that drank tea with you and taught you how to bake cookies.