The Power and the Glory

Book 2 Chapter XII: The Idiotic Assassin

They were also slightly less intelligent than he was. This is a quality you should always pray for in your would-be murderer. -- Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

Assassins were a dime a dozen in Tananerl. When someone was short of money, or intensely disliked a public figure, or felt they or their tribe weren't being treated fairly, or were simply a bloodthirsty psychopath, they invariably chose assassination as a potentially profitable career. 

Ilaran had survived over a hundred assassination attempts in his first ten years as ruling prince. In the centuries since then he'd experienced so many more they'd become practically part of his weekly schedule. Occasionally he actually did add them to his schedule, because sometimes the only way to keep sane amidst insanity was to turn it into a joke. On those days his schedule read something like: Sign documents, meet ambassadors, kill today's assassin, investigate latest market brawl. What other people would have thought if they knew how calmly he treated the whole thing was something he considered only when he was in dire need of something to laugh at.

When you spent most of your life knowing someone somewhere was planning to kill you, you developed a sixth sense for when the next attempt was likely to happen. Ilaran knew perfectly well that he had essentially painted a target on his back when he had Haliran arrested. All of her accomplices would come crawling out of the woodwork looking for vengeance. And that was the very reason he knew he was perfectly safe.

It was strange but true that most assassination attempts were carried out by disgruntled amateurs. The rare successful attempts were more cases of the murderer having unexpected good luck and their victim having even more unexpected bad luck. Even professional assassins were prone to mistakes, overconfidence, and just plain stupidity.

Take this situation, for instance. Haliran's friends would be panicking and running around like headless chickens. They would want him dead as quickly as possible, before he had a chance to denounce them too. Obviously they had no time to come up with a plan. He, on the other hand, expected their attack and had already considered how to deal with it.

Ilaran wasn't at all surprised when the first attempt came. He was mildly surprised at just how idiotic it was.

Siarvin and Shizuki were poring over a map of Tananerl. Koyuki sat in the corner closest to the still-burning fire, with the uncomfortable air of someone who felt badly out of place and didn't know what to do with themselves. Ilaran sat next to the window. He made sure he was just out of sight of anyone looking in, while he could still see and hear what was happening outside.

The sitting room window overlooked a well-tended lawn that formed part of the palace gardens. The nearest tree was more than ten feet away. A carefully-trimmed hedge separated it from the lawn itself. No one could possibly approach from that angle without being spotted at once.

Haliran's friends were apparently even less intelligent than she was. The would-be assassin scurried across the lawn with a furtive air that would have drawn attention anywhere. They'd made a truly ludicrous attempt at disguising themselves as what might charitably be mistaken for a gardener. Far from being convincing they just looked as if they'd fallen in a mud puddle while on their way to a fancy-dress party.

Ilaran waved Siarvin over, not daring to speak in case the assassin heard. Siarvin guessed what was happening without being told. He peered out the window, taking care to stay a safe distance away. Koyuki and Shizuki realised something interesting was afoot. In their snake forms they slithered onto the window-sill. All four watched the assassin approach.

From his appearance it was obvious this was one of those clumsy amateurs. He was a portly middle-aged man who couldn't have looked more suspicious if he'd tried. The very badly-concealed pistol strapped at his waist was so obvious it wasn't even threatening. When assassins hid their weapons then they posed a mild challenge. Ilaran took one look at the gun and rolled his eyes. Of all the absurd weapons to kill someone with! Knives and arrows were silent, poison was insidious and gave the killer a chance to escape, drowning could be passed off as an unfortunate accident. But guns! They were the noisiest, most conspicuous method of killing someone that could be imagined. And they couldn't even be easily hidden in the way a knife could.