Astronaut

Second Year High School

It is a great loneliness to be alone. You have no one to turn to and worst, no one will and can help you in your problem.

"No man is an island." as the saying goes. However, do we ask ourselves about our condition? Of why people keep ignoring us?

It might be the style, likes, dislikes, philosophy, or attitude that makes one lonesome. Sometimes we have to know ourselves first before observing others. The condition of us is just the outcome of our doings.

***

Second Year - the worst year of my life. In that year, I experienced how to be out of place within my friends and even chose to be alone than be with your  "considering" cool friends.

First day of class, I had a bestfriend named Hazel. She was one of my friend on first year and became my classmate again and bestfriend on second year. We were not  much  familiar to our new classmates though. They were all new to our eyes. We only knew each other among those new faces.  Since, we  considered each other bestfriends, we swore not to leave or abandon each other whatever circumstances may happened.

But I did.

I met some new cool friends whom I can share my likes with. They are 4. Three girls and one boy. I joined their group and left my bestfriend behind. I got real fascinated in rock music especially on the emo bands. I spent most of my time hanging up with them and talking about building bands. My bestfriend tried to suit to our likes but I just ignored her and made her feel that she was not belong with us. She just turned away one day and seldom talk to me.

Really, I admit, I forgot she was my bestfriend. My thoughts were circling around my new friends. I thought they were better than the others. I know situation wasn't permanent and changes were inevitable.

One day, one of my friend invited me to come with them in a bar. For they have met a new friend who had a band and invited them to come along on his gig. They agreed of course but I refused to come.  I hate bar and I never enjoyed going to a bar.

The day after yesterday, I heard them talking about what happened yesterday. I got myself silent and listening intently to their conversation. They didn't even mind me not grasping their topic but I didn't even complained. As the days passed, they kept on meeting some new guy friends. It came to the point that their giggling because they expected them to be courted.

Well, to be honest, I never been interested to a guy even if I had a crush. I was just contented to stare from a far but when a guy approached me, it would be no longer enjoyable in my part. So, whenever they talked about guys, I always ended up bidding goodbye and exiting myself from them.

I used to stand by on the corridors on the second floor of our science building. Looking for nothing, thoughts flooded my mind. Why should I be out of place? I'm their friend. But they didn't mind if I couldn't grasp their topic. Maybe I should talk to them and tell what's on my mind.

And I did just like that. They said sorry and I accepted it. So, I thought it would turn alright again. But even if they were sorry, they did just what they used to do - talking about something I didn't know. I felt like a burden to them for I knew they couldn't sacrifice their little conversation for me. That was why I started detaching myself from them. Of course they didn't notice it. Why would they bother to know it? We were just friends for likes and that was all there was to it.

I focused myself on studying and observing my crush from the corridors where I was standing on. I felt complete by that. Such a pity, right? But it was the only thing I could make myself really happy.

Me and my crush had been a textmate sometimes. He just knew me on text for I didn't introduce myself personally. I thought we were friends but when he found out that I was not into rock music anymore, he stopped texting me and changed his number. It was hurt but at least I had known that he offered only friends for likes. 

Although he rejected me, I still couldn't help myself to admire him.

I already accepted my fate to be a loner this whole year. As what I had said, I focused on my study. Especially in English subject. I made myself think that I was higher than my friends for they never beaten me on any test. And that it would be a loss to them if they let me leave them. I wanted them to bring me back to their group. I studied hard and gained more knowledge so that they would notice me somehow. But they didn't do anything I want. Instead, they stayed away from me.

My heart got so proud and high. So high that I even mocked my friends' intelligence. Insecurity pushed me to defend my ego through being proud.

Because I exceled in English subject, my classmates needed my help. Of course I lent a help for the thought that  they might become my friends again. It didn't help a bit. They left me after benefiting on my help. I just sighed in resignation. Pretending to be wise was so hard. Because of studying hard, I forgot to gain friends.

I grew lonely and desirous for friends day by day. Indeed, I couldn't take this tormenting isolation. I looked like an idiot and stupid and everything. And then, I saw my bestfriend. She was with her new friends. I envied her. I saw them so happy talking to each other.

I just bowed my head. Remembering what I've done to her. And I knew for sure, she would never accept me as her bestfriend again. I must be pitied. I recollected my deeds just to only realise that what was happening to me right now was a KARMA.

I was wasted. Perhaps, my bestfriend suffered this when I turned my back on her. Because of that, God made me experience it to make sure I wouldn't do it in future.

I was busy reflecting myself when someone patted my back. I raise my head and looked behind. I saw my bestfriend smiling at me.

"Why are you alone? Don't you have friends?" she asked.

    My eyes were covered with tears.  I became overruled by my emotions.    

  "I'm sorry. I left you alone. Would you consider me as your bestfriend again?" I asked.      

"Of course. I never forgot to consider you as my bestfriend even if you do." she replied.      

"I'm sorry." I said again.        

Then, she invited me to join to her group. Meanwile, her groupmates welcomed me to their group.

 Second Year was the WORST ....