JUST FOR YOU

《54》Insanity.

There's no fetal heartbeat.

The child is no more.

I'm really sorry to tell you this, the D&C (Dilation and curettage) shows you've had a complete miscarriage.

The remains would be flushed out through bleeding.

However, if the bleeding is still heavy after a week, please come back to the hospital for another scan.

You can still have a baby in a month's time.

These were the doctor's words that kept lingering in my head. How could he refer to my baby as remains? My baby was not "remains." My baby was a being, a human being.

I remembered on hearing those words, how Abbey and I fell to the ground and how we held each other tight. We didn't care if we were in the hospital corridor. We were sad, we were devastated, we were mourning our unborn child that we had been waiting to see. I had wept profusely into his shirt and didn't notice the drops of tears that fell from his eyes and touched my face.

My bundle of joy was no more. The baby I had grown to love and even sacrificed everything for, was no more. The baby, I remembered seeing rock back and forth on the monitor that day was no more. It all felt so unreal. I couldn't believe it.

Why do bad things keep happening to me? Couldn't I be normal? Couldn't I be happy for once in my entire life? It was just remaining four months FOUR FREAKING MONTHS!! to see the life I carried inside of me.

Why did she just have to die? Heck, I didn't even get to know the sex of the baby because I wanted to be surprised but this was not the kind of surprise I wanted.

The baby I looked forward to holding in my arms, breastfeeding, changing diapers, playing mother and daughter dress up and not allowing any other person touch her except her daddy. That baby was no more. There was nothing more heart-breaking than this.

After a very long time of crying, getting pitiful looks from the staff and patients and undergoing series of tests to confirm if I was fit to leave the hospital. We managed to pull ourselves together and leave the hospital.

I looked at Abbey and was surprised that he could drive. My whole vision was clouded by tears. My eyes were burning, my head was aching, my throat burned. I could feel myself being suffocated. I felt like dying.

Abbey didn't look good either, his face was red, his eyes were swollen and red, he was tired of crying. The ride was awfully silent except the occasional sounds made by our sniffles.

I didn't even know who or what to blame. Who could I possibly blame? Wasn't it my fault? If only I had just quit the job peacefully and stayed at home to rest. I wouldn't have lost my child. All I knew was, my baby was dead and I had come to realise that I was now a jobless, childless woman.

We got to the house, his mum was outside waiting for us. I couldn't even utter a word to her, I just dragged myself past her and went into the baby's room to cry since I wasn't good at carrying a child or anything at all and crying was the only thing I was good at. Crying has always and would always be my first line of mechanism to approaching situations. I plodded into the room and locked the door to ball my eyes out.

Tears continued to well up in my eyes as I walked into the room. I was hoping that one day, my baby would be sleeping in that baby's crib and I'd be watching her sleep. That dream was dead now. I walked to the crib and ran my fingers along the edges. The more I was in this room the sadder I felt and I really wished this was a nightmare. I sat beside the crib on the floor with my arms clutching my knees, I cried into my knees.

Abbey came to the door and was banging it furiously. "Janette, please open up. Open it, let's mourn together. Lets cry together, please. I'm also affected by this, open up. I don't want to lose you too."