Misfortune (Bucky Barnes)

19• Lost

' Just let me hurt a little longer
I'm in a war with no armor. '
-Emily Rowed, "Let Me Hurt."
~

I thought I knew myself, but I don't. In fact I don't know anything. I realize now, I am lost. My brain has been thrown into a blender and ripped to bits. I know now that Bucky was right. It is not the future I should run from, but the past.

I want to hate Lou, but I know that's not the way I should approaching this. No, if I'm gonna put my energy and rage into something it should be Hydra. And if I'm going to start somewhere it starts with killing the bug in my head that is James Barnes. A constant flashing that reminds me of all he's seen and done. If I can't remove it from my brain, I will take out its source. I will kill him.

This elaborate plan however will have to be delayed, because I'm seeming to have an entire system malfunction.

I'm currently sitting on the couch in the open style kitchen with my legs curled up to my chest. Lou left me alone an hour ago and within that hour I have vigorously downed far too much alcohol. There's a bottle in my hand and I'm glaring at the door as if the devil himself may come through it and spew another misfortune in my direction.

Instead of the devil, I get billionaire Tony Stark which is pretty close in my opinion.

I raise my bottle to him with a annoyed smile, "so nice to meet you."

He laughs at me seeming completely unfazed by my tipsy state. In fact he pours himself a drink and plops down next to me.

"I finally get to meet the Lady Killer everyone seems to be talking about."

I roll my eyes stretching my legs out in front of me, "hardly much of a lady."

He takes a swing of his drink looking much more alive than I feel right now.

"You know when your sister tried to get me aboard with your case, I wasn't all too thrilled of bringing an unstable maniac on our team."

I wanted to be angry at the honesty of his words, but it was so rare that anyone was honest with me at all. So I just shrugged, "that's fair."

"But we need fresh blood. Especially someone with your ability. Plus you're hardly the only maniac here."

I felt a connection with Tony Stark, maybe it was the dead parents thing, or just the vodka talking but he was the realist thing this compound had to offer.

"So what's your grand plan then? Throw me in an agent suit and train me not to be a killer?"

"Oh, we already know we can't tame you," Tony says shaking his hands in the air, "but what we can do is teach you to use what you already have. You'll fit in here nicely, right next to all of our messy pasts."

I want to laugh at him and tell him I will never fit, but what do I know. So I take another swing and contemplate what I would've been if I was born into a loving family, rather than one using me as a negotiating deal. Chances are I'd be less of a bitch, but I'd probably have awful aim which is something I couldn't live with.

Stark and I talk for a while before Steve barges in looking frazzled as usual.

"We were asked to check on her not give her alcohol Stark."

Tony gives Steve an eye roll in response.

"She got into that all on her own, and I'm not getting paid to babysit."

Steve sighs pulling me up off the couch with little effort. I groan as the room spins with my vision.

"Come on Theo, there's something we need to talk about," he tells me as I follow him to the door.

He has one hand placed ever so slightly on my shoulder as if afraid I'll topple over.

"I'm sick of talking you know, I'd prefer to be left alone."

"I'm sure you would, but I can't seem to let that happen."

He directs me to a door before opening it and easing me in. The room is spacious and clean with a bed in the center and an open bathroom connected to the master. I want to be angry at the greatest of it all, that rooms like these can just be thrown around to anybody. But I swallow the bitterness. I'm thankful for some space, even if it's not mine.

"Get yourself cleaned up and I'll come get you in an hour alright?" I forget Steve's there until his voice booms into my ear.

He turns to me giving me one last pat on the shoulder, "you'll be okay Theodora, you know that."

For a drunken moment I almost believe him. Until the door closes and I'm left alone for the first time in a long time. I can't help the tears that fall from my eyes, can't stop the vile feeling in my gut, can't forget the tragic truth of it all.

I know it's not alright, no matter what stupid Steve Rogers wants to tell me. Because this time I'm in over my head, my bounds are pushed, my limits exceeded. My poor heart has felt far too much over the last few days, which is more than I have felt in years. I don't know whether to be grateful it still works or terrified it won't stop hurting.

As I sit in that billion dollar mansion I wonder if this is what if feels like to lose yourself.

———

These next few chapters will be a little more about Theo & what she's capable of. Don't worry Bucky will be making an appearance again soon ;) Make sure to vote/comment so I know to continue putting out chapters! Thank you for your support. 💕