Misfortune (Bucky Barnes)

27• The Loneliest People

' Because I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Since I've met you
And honey, you should know
That I could never go on without you. '
-Wesley Schultz, "Green Eyes"
~

I've been a lonely person my entire life. Literally made to be different, made to be some inhuman force, made to be unloved. I was never able to get close to anyone or anything. My parents surely didn't love me, my sister struggled to even understand me. I suppose I could blame myself for the constant separation but the truth was I couldn't belong. I told myself for years I was alone because no one could feel what I felt. But that wasn't true at all, because after years of running, hunting, and hiding I realized my own loneliness was consuming.

That was until I met my ghost Bucky Barnes. A man who was just as lonely as I. So quiet yet so thoughtful. I knew he was something different the moment I met him. Maybe that's why I let him in. Maybe that's why he helped me. Because despite every instinct in our heads telling us to leave it alone, we couldn't.

I guess two lonely people are better than one.

•••

I haven't got much out of him today, he won't nod or give any hint of recognition but I know all about that. He was trained to hide every ounce of emotion he has raging inside him. And I want to be the one to unravel it.

I guess the person to break every good thing shouldn't be the one trying to fix something. But I can't help but try.

I sit in a chair by his bed with my legs pulled up to my chest. I've spent most of the day talking until my voice goes dry. Mostly random things, my favorite stories, where my favorite foster home was, how much I missed my sister. But I told him other things as well. I told him all about my parents and the lies I was fed since I was a child. It felt good to finally get it out. Although he didn't say much I knew he was listening and I knew he cared.

Sometimes it's better to listen than talk. It steers your mind away from your own problems and let's you focus on something else for a change. That's what I was attempting to do but I knew I'd have to get my hands dirty eventually.

"Steve's a good friend," I say suddenly after a while of warm silence.

"He took good care of me when I came here, and he's been looking for you for years. He never seems to give up does he?"

I could almost cry when I see the faintest smile appear on his lips. It doesn't last long at all but I notice it and it's enough for me.

"He's always been resilient," he responds quietly.

I've had a question on my mind since I woke up. Something that has plagued my thoughts. I wonder if asking now is the right thing to do or if it will shut him away further. I decide to test my luck.

"Do you remember anything? You know, about the accident?"

I refer to it as the accident to avoid any negative feelings about the subject. I'm sure the attempt at avoidance is shitty but it's all I can think of in the moment.

He licks his lips smoothing his hand through his hair. I note to myself that next time I come I'll bring him a brush.

"I remember my hands-" his voice shakes and it takes everything in me not to reach out to him.

"My hands around your neck.. I remember your fingers against my forehead. You were telling me things. Reminding me of the rain, telling me about Steve. You put images in my head.. you told me to wake up. When I did you were out cold. Your skin was so pale, I was worried-"

I look at him curiously, "did the images clear your mind?"

He looks at me from beneath his hair and gives me a small nod.

This is the first time I've made any sort of progress with my powers. It felt good to finally do something useful with it.

I lean closer to him from on the chair, "I could help you, you know. I could do the same for you right now."

He shakes his head almost immediately folding his hands back into his lap.

"I don't deserve your gift Theo."

I can't help but laugh, but it's colder than I intended.

"I was touched by the devil Buck, I don't consider anything I can do 'a gift'."

He goes back to being quiet and I mentally curse myself for being too honest with him. Regardless I feel like the small steps I made today was enough. I get up to leave but stop myself when I glance at the circled quotes of Charles Dickens taped to his wall. I wanna slap a hand over my mouth before I can get the words out but I'm too hell bent on saying it.

"I'm sorry for leaving you. You must've had to but a lot of trust into me that I wouldn't out your location the second I walked out of there."

"Not trust, just knew you'd want the satisfaction of killing me yourself. Not let someone else do it."

I crack a smile at him knowing how true the statement is.

"I couldn't do it. No matter what my brain told me about you, I couldn't kill you. You've suffered enough pain for one lifetime. I can't blame you for the terrible things that have been done."

"You should."

I grow frustrated with the conversation and the direction it's headed. I want to yell at him, make him see what I see. But it will take more than that to prove it to him.

"I got into your mind you know? The night I left. I saw everything and I guess I was scared which caused me to react. What you've been through is terrible. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I spent so much time being hateful, looking for someone to blame. And that someone isn't you."

A year ago, I would never be caught dead speaking my feelings aloud. Not even to myself. But he needs this, he needs to know just how honest I'm being.

"We are in this together now whether you like it or not. You don't have to be alone anymore," I tell him looking sternly at his side profile.

He finally meets my eyes with a furiousness I haven't seen in a while.

"And what about you? You have enough of your own problems, you don't need to take on mine too. You shouldn't be wasting your time here."

My hot headed temper returns sprouting a fire throughout my body. I get close to him, close enough for him to see the faint bruises still lining my neck. I point a finger to his chest in an accusing way.

"Don't tell me what I can and can't do Barnes. Just let me do this one thing. I've spent my life killing men. Nothing good ever comes from these hands," I say showing him the bandage still wrapped around my wrist, "So let this be the first."

I catch my breath realizing just how harsh my voice sounds. Back down Theo.

Before the emotions in my chest consume me I take my own advice and shuffle away from him. I can't be any help to him when I'm falling apart myself. But I guess that's the point. Suffer together so we don't have to suffer in silence.

I want to apologize for my outburst but apologies aren't my thing. So I shoot for the second best thing, my total honesty. After I say it I wish I could take it back. It feels like a weight being hung over my head. Like the thought of admitting feelings will cause me to crumble. Because it finally proves that I am human after all. Capable of feelings and other horrid things. But I say it anyway.

"The truth is, I had no intention of letting you in. But I did.. and now I can't let you go."