Misfortune (Bucky Barnes)

28• Paint Me As The Villain

Note: This chapter will be in Bucky's POV.

' But I'm not a miracle
and you're not a saint
just another soldier
on the road to no where. '
-Damien Rice, "Amie"
~

Theodora June is the most honest person I know. She makes irrational decisions based on her emotions, says the first thing that comes to her head, and grows angry with the snap of her fingers but the girl cannot lie.

As I sit here in this cold room, I think about what she told me. She won't let this go, she thinks she can fix all I am but I wish she would stop trying. I wish our paths didn't converge, because maybe then she wouldn't feel responsible for the intruding thoughts in my head. I've been alone for years and brainwashed for even longer, but suddenly it all hits me much harder. Because it's not just about me anymore, it's about her. I hurt her and I can't let her get close enough for it to happen again.

Everything she is, is my fault. The constant need to hide, the blind rage, the killing. She has spent years protecting herself out of fear of Hydra. And whether she will admit it or not, Hydra is in me.

I wanted to leave her on those steps. I told myself it was for her own good. But I couldn't let her die. It was selfish of me to drag her into my apartment and make her feel safe. It's my fault for gaining her trust and watching it all crumble with a single touch. I've been picked apart and tortured but the guilt inside me is what causes the greatest pain.

I stare at the photograph of her taped to my wall. I should've gotten rid of it so the sight of her didn't spark a hope from inside me. But it's too late now, her unyielding determination has already picked its way into me. I can't get her out of my head.

I know what Steve and her are doing, blaming themselves for what I am. For what I've become. It's in their nature to try to take on some big tragedies so I don't have to be alone. But this isn't their battle, it's mine. And I will paint myself the villain so they can finally see it from my eyes.

I hardly notice when Steve comes through the door. It's not until I hear the loud click of the metal locking back into place that I register his presence. Unlike Theo, Steve doesn't come to nag. He comes to sit and tell me stories of the past in hopes it will trigger some happy memory into my brain. I don't mind though, I enjoy the familiarity of it all and I like to listen.. even if I don't remember much of the man in the stories.

"How do you feel today?" Steve asks sitting on the chair against the wall.

His voice is always calm regardless of how troubled he might feel. Steve was perfect for the war. More resilient, calm, and calculated than I ever could be.

I give him a shrug in response because I truly do not know how I feel. Or even, how I should feel. When I try to think about it all I can come up with is the word burden.

Steve has something in his hands, it looks like a leather notebook. He notices me staring and offers it up to me.

"I figured it may help to write some things down. You don't have to show anyone.. but it might help you remember some things."

I don't jump at the opportunity to write down my feelings, he ignores the unwilling frown present on my face and instead sets the notebook down on the empty desk. He gives the cover a pat as if he knows the urge to write will come to me.

"I think it's good that you're here Buck. It's good that Theo is keeping you company. The girl is hardy I'll give her that."

I nod folding my hands in my lap in front of me.

"She's not for everyone," I reply while frowning at the notebook on the desk.

"But she seems to be working for you."

I meet Steve's eyes wishing this could be a normal conversation about a pretty girl. But no conversations we have can be normal, and that's something we both know.

I give him a weak smile hoping it will give him some piece of mind.

"We are bad for each other Steve," I mumble thinking of Theo's aggressive tendencies.

My old friend shrugs in return giving me that smug look as if he knows something I don't. Steve was always good at that. Noticing things that I never quite saw. Steve has more memories of my life than I seem to recall these days.

"Things will be better here Buck. We are happy we found you when we did."

I wish he had found me earlier. Found me before I beat Theo to the floor. Before I snapped her wrist and gave her a reason to fear me. I wish they hadn't sent her in first. I wish she wasn't the only thing strong enough to suck me out of the Winter Soldiers empty head. But no one can change what's been done. No matter how hard I try to forget it all, it comes flooding back.

Steve sees my defeated face and let's up. He gives the leather notebook another glance before getting up and heading to the door.

"I'll be back tomorrow," Steve tells me with hopeful eyes, "I'm with ya pal, till the end of the line."

I will always remember Steve's smile. It's something honest. He can smile during the hardest of times. He can see the good even in the broken. I suppose Theodora June is quite the opposite. She's something real, something brutally awakening. I admire them both, I need them as much as I'd like to admit.

Something honest and something real. I only hope they know it will take more than a journal to bring me back.

———

A little insight on Bucky's sad thoughts 🥲