Ocean Blue ✓

chapter four

alyssa

"Alyssa," Max says, and they sound so much like themselves that I want to scream. "Hey."

"What ... what's up?" I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to talk to them ever again, because it just hurts too much. I told myself I wouldn't. Well, Tanner told me, but still. MaxandAlyssa were no more. MaxandAlyssa were now separate entities, just two dumb teenagers off on different sides of the continent, doing their own things.

I can hear Dr. Mario music in the background. We used to play it together all the time—Max dubbed it "Lab Coat Tetris", which was never that funny, but it was funny enough. Especially since it was just us, together. I never needed Max to be the funniest, most amusing person on earth. I just needed to be there with and for Max, and have them return the favor.

We both kinda failed.

"Um, nothing much? Just moved into my apartment, which is pretty cool. My roommate is this Asian vlogger chick with a love for matcha and thrifting, so we've been getting along pretty well." The music changes—they're totally gaming in the background. Which is so disgustingly Max, it hurts. "D.C. is chill. I miss you, though. Way too much. How are you?"

"Not terrible?" I hate this. Do they realize what happened? Do they have the faintest idea? Do they even know I moved? "The first month of summer kinda flew by, didn't it?"

"Yeah.... It feels like I can hardly remember anything from the past couple weeks, honestly. I guess it's just a moving thing. College starting, the like. Oh shit no don't rotate that way—"

"You good?" I've never told them how stupid I feel when they game on the other line, but when they make the gaming obvious, it definitely doesn't feel great. They do this kind of thing a lot—call me up, then get distracted by background tasks. It's like I become a background task.

It was something I looked over when we were still together, I realize. Maybe I just didn't want to believe that I wasn't as important to them as they were to me.

Which is dumb and untrue and okay, stop, Alyssa.

The music stops. It's unlikely Max turned it off, just muted it in hopes of being slightly-less-busted. "Sorry. Lab Coat Tetris."

"You're good." At least they didn't do that whole thing where they try to gaslight me about hearing anything, something that used to happen way too often. Because, that was definitely Dr. Mario in the background. "Max, I—"

"Alyssa, why did we break up?"

It's so abrupt, so demanding. So Max.

Not the question I wanted to hear. Ever.

Max's voice is strained. Maybe they really did turn off the game, because this definitely doesn't feel like a background task. "I-I can't remember, exactly. And, just, well ... we used to talk so much. And now, we stopped, and I feel so stupid, but I thought we'd always at least be friends. Did I do something? Because, I know I still want to talk to you. I mean, Alyssa, I still want you."

I don't know how to respond. And I don't know how I feel about them saying they want me. Just want. Don't they anything-else me?

Tanner had told me that talking to Max about what happened—what they couldn't remember—could be dangerous. "Don't even try to lie," he'd warned. "A lie will feel super-off. Just, avoid the topic if you can." Then Dad had suggested just ignoring Max all together, which seemed way easier.

This was supposed to be way easier.

"Alyssa?" Max asks.

"I have to go," I whisper, then hang up. I could almost laugh at the way I jab the hangup button with my finger repeatedly, even a few seconds after I've hung up, but I don't think it's funny.