Ocean Blue ✓

chapter thirty-two

alyssa

Nothing scares me more than the sea at night.

Dusty Springfield's heater groans as we idle in the gravel lot of the beach. I can't help but stare at the choppy ocean waves in the headlights, how they slam against the shore unrelentingly. Just over and over, again and again and again, without repent. My legs are jittery and shaking and so, so painful, so much their own now that they act of their own accord. The pain is earth-shattering, but I'm not crying. I might be used to it at this point. Who knows.

The lead-up to tailing-out has never lasted this long before. It's never hurt this much, either, but I still have control over my limbs. I'm just waiting here, waiting for it to strike. And, if it's as bad as Mom's was, bad enough to make her leave forever, then the ocean is right there.

I have preemptive goodbyes written on my phone. To Dad, to Tanner, even to Max. Elliot's is the only one I can't finish. I'm stuck in the Notes app, completely out of my element. I don't know how to give goodbyes. I only know how to take off.

Elliot. I don't know how to say this, but I'm sorry. I can't stay here. It's too much.

And that's all I have. It seems too shitty.

I keep rereading that last sentence. It's too much. Is that what Mom thought? That this was too much? Because, I keep stewing it over in my head, but ... this isn't the most terrible thing in the world. The tail. It's stressful and it's painful and I would give pretty much anything not to have to worry about it, but ... why is it making decisions for me?

I close out of the Notes app and head to Instagram.

I never followed that tea Instagram because of what they said about Tanner, but I know the handle. When I look it up, it's all there. Everything Neema told Elliot about.

My chest twists. There's a lot.

I ignore the stabbing, crawling sensations in my legs, now slowly moving up past my hips and towards my ribs, and start reading. It's ... it's terrible. A few people don't realise that the f-slur is something they don't get to say. But honestly, that might be the least offensive thing in these posts.

The fifth one from the top is the only nice one.

This is Jace Westerfeld. I don't care who knows it. All this homophobia in town needs to come to a stop. We all know who runs this account. We all know how they treat us at school. Why are we supporting this toxicity and hate??? If you get off on this, you're a terrible person. Elliot Moreno is one of the nicest people you'll meet, and you can't tell me I'm wrong. She's the first to help someone with homework and is surprisingly easy to talk to, and she believes the best in everyone. Even the girls who made this account. She also doesn't talk back, something I guess has made it easy for y'all to attack her. That's seriously fucked up. You all would rather attack a good person over who they love instead of the twisted, sadistic bitches who run this account. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I'm sorry, Elliot. You deserve better.

The caption reads: oh noooo, im so scared, hahaha. im a twisted sadistic bitch oh nooooo im crying awwwwwhhhh. shouldnt have been a fucking dyke fag slut, huh. that goes for jace too lollll. A comment says that they've both "destroyed" their reputations with their sexualities. I can't read any more threads.

I didn't realise it was this bad.

There's this anger boiling up inside me. It presses up against my lungs and burns through my veins, rushing towards my head and making me dizzy. What am I doing here? Because I was upset that Elliot was too upset to ask me what was wrong, for literally the first time ever?