Thoughts You Will Never Read

The Odd Tendency

Dear You,

It is odd, as most things I participate in are, to have the tendency to want someone to love me. I do not mean the desperate grasp at love that middle schoolers play at. Or the stolen kisses in high school. Not the Disney princess dream, nor human carnal desire. Although, I will not deny that some of these don't not sound appealing.  

I mean the small things.

As someone who spends quite a large amount of time with herself, I am very aware of the things I do. Most of the time. 

As someone who has a large capacity to loves others, and loves to love, I am also aware of how what I can do can be perceived in a variety of ways. Of which, I find myself getting lost in the one that is in the view of someone who loved me.

I like to tell myself it's all the preach I hear about self-love. Or maybe it was learning that everyone is a child of God and that he knows and loves me. Or maybe it was the fact that I have read way more than one too many romance books. Or maybe it was all the horrible things I have gone through in life that opened my eyes to the loveable bits. Or maybe it was the silly little things I loved about other people. 

Like somehow the fact that I loved the scrunch of his nose when he smiled while being silly is what lead me to think someone might find a hint of cuteness in the way I preferred things in multiples of four - and if not four, then two. Though I am quite sure no one has ever paid enough attention to me to realize I pump the paper towel dispenser four times or fill my water bottle with eight ice cubes.

Or as I am doing now, splitting up my writing because I feel it is easier to read my nonsense in smaller chunks - that it's less overwhelming. Because if I put it in one block, it will look too big and scary. Because, yes, I do not want to be seen as big and scary.

So, if you'd care to humor me, dear traveler, let me pretend you exist and are reading my words. While you do so, let me describe my silliness.