Thoughts You Will Never Read

Not My Own

Dear You,

I am ridiculous. And I feel even more so after admitting so because I do nothing to change it. I am stuck continuously living with a ridiculous hypocrite. It is frustrating and I can feel my patience slip having to deal with such an obnoxious person. Yet, the fact is, I am stuck with this person. For it is quite hard to leave yourself.

I've been called 'mature for my age' for so long that I wonder when my age will catch up.

I've been told I am so understanding - an empath. A peacemaker. A mediator.

Such a wonderful. Loving. Person.

I am a fraud. And you are the only one I will admit such things to.

Truth is, I hold myself to completely different standards than those around me. I will listen calmly, feeling what you have gone through until I can picture it as if it were my own memory. I will remind you, no matter what emotion you are quarreling with, that emotions are normal and it is okay to feel them. I will be there for the complaints, the cries, the laughter, the compliments.

I find it so easy to love people. Of course, there are those more difficult or that I will simply not allow, but I usually can love a person easily. I do not mean IN love. The difference is very important to me.

I can learn to love so many flaws that aren't my own.

Some days feel so heavy, I want to cry and complain and disappear. I want a bubble. One with no sound, no images, no people. Just me and space where I will be left alone - a break.

I feel I am on the edge. Tired of being good, of doing what I need to, of having a good day. As I said, I am ridiculous. I want to give up. Waste away. Feel numb.

I don't.

I actually want relief more. I want to know that all this falling I have been doing will lead to someone who will catch me. Someone to say the right things.

Stop.

Who needs me burdening them? I know the weight I carry - why would I ever put even a bit of that on someone else?

Lies.

I don't want them to see. See me. It would be too raw. I want someone to understand but I don't want to have someone understand.

Ridiculous truths.

But I'm a bad person for either set of these thoughts. A weight pushes on my chest while I think of how I would respond to someone else saying such things.

I want to cry.
Complain.
Scream.
Make a mess.
Run.
Fight.

I will smile. A sincere smile, because I am genuinely happy. But at the same time, a false smile, because I am ignoring the part of me that isn't.