just friends (s. reid)

15.

I woke up today and chose violence. I'm sorry.

--

5 hours later and there was still no sign of JJ.

You all knew the statistics. You knew you were running out of time before something unspeakable happened, but you just couldn't face it.

It was JJ. JJ wasn't-- isn't a statistic. She's a goddamn FBI agent. If anyone could beat the odds, she could.

After grabbing some coffee, you walked back into the room to see Morgan on the phone with Garcia (who you could tell had been crying), Emily and Hotch were talking with local police, and Spencer was focused on a geographical profile.

"Spence?"

No reply.

"Spencer?"

Silence.

You walk up to him and tap him on the shoulder causing him to jump.

"You okay?" You question, reaching out your arm to hand him his cup of coffee.

He takes the cup of coffee from you, but instead of drinking it, he places it down on the table behind him.

"Spence," you say as you walk behind and wrap your arms around his torso.

He let go for a moment under your touch and allowed himself to melt into you.

"Take a breath, drink some coffee, it's all gonna be okay."

That was the wrong thing to say. 

Almost immediately he tensed up and pushed you away from him. Lowering his head, he walked out the door into the bullpen of the police department. 

Derek gave you a quick look and you shook your head.

I'll deal with it.

Yes, JJ was missing, but you guys would find her. You had to find her.

Why couldn't Spencer see the bright side?

"Spence." You said as you followed him out.

Still no response from him. You were over this whole silence thing. It's not like you were the one who took JJ.

"Spencer Reid, fucking talk to me. What is the problem?"

That got his attention. Quickly, he turned around and started clenching his fists.

"The problem? The problem is that JJ is fucking missing and all you're doing is comforting me. You have a fucking job to do, Y/N: find JJ. Not comfort me like some small child who can't fend for himself."

"Our friend, is missing. Sorry I thought you'd be a little distraught and would want to take a break for 5 seconds," you let out a small laugh at the end to try and diffuse the situation.

Wrong move. It just makes him more angry.

"Every second counts, Y/N, you know that. So why would I waste 5 seconds talking to you when I could use those 5 seconds to find JJ," he almost screamed.

"Waste?" You looked down.

"What?" He rolled his eyes.

"You said waste. Is that how you feel about me? That I'm a waste of time?"

"Stop doing that." 

"Stop doing what, Spencer? You're the one screaming at me right now."

At this point, you knew all eyes were on the two of you, but you just couldn't stop. What was Spencer's problem? Why was he so upset?

"You're the one provoking me!" He replied.

"So it's all my fault? Every fucking thing that has gone wrong is just my fault?"

"Don't gaslight me."

"I'm not gaslighting you, Spencer, shut up. Sorry I was just trying to be optimistic."

"Why are you trying to be optimistic? JJ could be dead and you're over here trying to see the bright side?"

"Oh, fuck you, Spencer," you tried to walk away, but his next few words hit you hard.

"I bet that's what you want to do, huh? Fuck me. That's all you ever want to do."

You turn around and charge at him, "That's not even remotely true!" 

Now you were the one screaming.

"We've never even been on a real date, Y/N! All we do is make out and have sex. On the jet you told Emily I was a 'hump and dump'!"

"That was a joke Spencer! Everyone thought you were some guy from a bar! You even texted me right after!"

"Well, it still hurt."

You shook your head. You were angry. No going back now.

"Well, it hurts me that you care more about JJ than you do about me. You're obsessing over her and when I tried to comfort you, you pushed me away."

The second the words left your mouth, you knew you didn't mean it. You loved JJ, you wanted her found, but you wanted to make Spencer mad.

"She's been kidnapped by a psychopath and you're concerned about our relationship?"

"That's not what I meant- Whatever," you throw your hands in the air, "Sorry I tried to comfort you. Sorry I was just trying to be a good girlfriend for 5 fucking seconds."

"You're not my girlfriend."

"What?"

"You said girlfriend," his voice got quiet, "you're not my girlfriend. I'm fucking you, but that's about it."

Tears started to form in your eyes, but you wouldn't let yourself cry in front of him. Not because of him.

"Yeah, well, you already made that very clear," you said as you hung your head.

You and Spencer stand there for a while just looking at each other. It felt like you were in one of those old western's when a shootout was about to happen. The two of you were watching each other, waiting for who would move next.

Spencer started to speak after what felt like ages and you looked up. You realized he was crying. All you wanted to do was hold him right now, but you couldn't. Your heart was being ripped in two because as much as you cared for Spencer, you absolutely hated him right now.

"I think," he started "I think we need to take a break."

"Yeah, I think that might be for the best," you agreed without making eye contact with him.

Emily came over to you and tried to pull you back into the office.

"Don't touch me," you said as you stormed out of the bullpen and straight into the bathroom.

You locked the door behind you and sunk down to the ground, cradling your knees. You sat there weeping until it was physically impossible for your body to produce anymore tears.

This was exactly why you didn't do relationships. Every time you felt good about something you started to overthink, self-sabotage, and destroy. You liked what you and Spencer had going.

Key word: had.