Broken

.37.

I lay on his chest, tracing patterns into skin as his hand rubbed up and down my back. He gave a rumble of pleasure at my touch and his hand moved lower. I scratched him in warning. I knew my limits and round four was more than pushing it. I was already feeling sore and in a more achy way rather than a delicious 'I have been thoroughly tumbled through the sheets' type of way. Not that I had much experience with that. I winced hard at the remembrance. I didn't need to remember that, not while tucked in Rhex's arms. It only hurt.

However the thoughts bombarded me, giving me no peace. "Are you okay with me not being pure?" The words tumbled out before I could stop them and Rhex's hand stilled on my back.

"I do not understand." There was a confused tone to his voice and I glanced up at him, my cheeks red with my shame before I had to look away. I bit my lip hard. I suddenly felt dirty and pulled away from him. "What is this that hurts you?" He grasped me tightly as he sat up. He refused my retreat and I felt sick.

"Do you mind that I had sex with another guy before you?" The words burned coming out and I wanted to bury my head in my hands. I wanted to hide in my shame.

"Why would I mind?" He tried to turn my face to look at him but I refused.

"Some men prefer their mates to be pure." So many of them did but I had allowed that gift to be sullied for Rhex. I had given it to some man I had a faint attraction to and nothing else. There was none of the connection, none of the fullness. I had been left empty and shamed at the end.

"I do not understand this. Pure means like snow or water. I do not understand." He sounded frustrated by his inability to understand what I said and I swallowed thickly.

"Untouched by others." Impure, tainted, and unwanted. The words hurt as if they had physically struck me. I went to pull away from him but he held me tight to his side, refusing to allow me to move an inch.

"I still do not understand. Do some men not wish their females to touch anyone in their lives? What foolishness is this?" He wasn't getting what I was saying and I rubbed at my eyes, trying to force the tears away.

"Intimacy Therapy." I ground the words out. How I hated it. I wanted to go to the shower and scrub my skin raw. It never felt like I would ever get clean when I had those moments.

Rhex made another sound of aggravation. "I do not understand."

"I had to have sex with men to try and spark a connection because I couldn't bond." I spat the words out. How it burned me now, knowing that such a connection could never been fucked into existence. It simply had to be and that thought burned me now.

"They forced you?" There was an angry heat to his words that had the emotion pushing at me slightly.

I gave a weak shrug. "Not exactly." It hadn't been forced but it had certainly felt like coercion. My potential life for a bit of sex. Who wouldn't trade their bodies for a chance to live?

"But you truly did not wish for it." His words were low and I shook my head.

"No." I hadn't wanted it at all. I had done it, enjoyed parts of it but, it had left me so unfulfilled and empty that it was never worth it and never would be.

"I do not care that you sought others. It is normal in Orrian culture to use sex as a tool to relieve stress or tension or to further one's self. Why would I condemn you for something I have done myself?" He gripped my chin and forced me to look at him. "My anger and upset comes from the fact that you were forced into a situation where you felt like you needed to trade your body for your life. The only thing that upsets me about this is the fact that it pains you deeply." His eyes searched my own as his jaw clenched over and over again.