Forever and Always

Prologue

A/N: hello lovelies! don't forget to vote and comment 😉

What would you do if the one thing you thought you knew was never real?

That's what I'm asking myself right now. Sitting on this bus, staring out the window and into the night sky, I ask myself what I would do. No, that's not true. I'm asking myself what I'm going to do.

I thought my family loved me—I thought they were happy I was safe. But I guess I was wrong.

You were wrong about a lot of things, my inner voice scorns.

Shut up, I think, clenching my fists. I have enough going on without the added annoyance of a voice that won't stop talking.

If onlys swim around in my head. If only we had gone straight home from school. If only we had been more careful. If only I had tried harder to protect her—maybe then, things would be okay. If only...

Stop it, I order. Thinking about it isn't going to bring her back. She's gone, Savannah—and there's nothing you can do about it.

I shut my eyes tight. There's nothing you can do. Nothing you could have done to change things. What's done is done—now it's time to move on.

I guess that's why I left. I knew I didn't belong, anymore—not without her. Not without Kennedy.

Kennedy. I close my eyes and picture her, tall, but shorter than me, tan skin, a bright smile. She carried that smile wherever she went, and it could light up a room.

At least I'll never be able to forget her. How can I when the face I see in the mirror each day is the same I see in my dreams at night? I used to think being an identical twin was a blessing. Now, it's a curse—a nightmare I'm forced to live with. A constant, painful reminder to myself and those around me of what we loved and lost.

I can't believe it took you so long to realize that. You're a copy of Kennedy--of course people will think of her when they see you. Here comes my inner voice again, being unhelpful.

Well, I know now, and I won't forget it. That's one of the few things I'm sure of. Forgetting the cold, hard truth is impossible. After all, it's the reason I left. Ever since that fight with Dylan, my mind has been obsessed with the thought.

Was that really only yesterday we fought? It seems like weeks or even months ago. I had just left the boys in the kitchen, their conversation following me to the stairs. . .

"She drives me crazy." I'm in the front hall, but Eli's words and sigh are as clear as anything.

I stop, listening. What did he say?

"Yeah, she can be a real pain sometimes," comes another voice. Cole. Is he talking about me?

"A pain?" Dylan snorts. "More like a--"

I suck in a breath at his choice of words. The other boys laugh, but it's muffled through the wild thumping of my heart in my ear. Dylan thinks I'm. . . he called me a. . .he really believes that?

"I don't know how Jackson can stand taking care of her," he continues. "Think of all the work!"

"He got practice on you," Cole jokes, and the laughter comes again.

"Yeah, yeah." I can hear the smile in Dylan's voice. "Seriously, though. That kid has some issues."

"She's been through a lot, Dyl," Ryder reminds him.

"And the rest of us haven't?" Dylan retorts. 

"Yeah, but she sleeps with Jackson almost every night," Josiah says. 

The others chuckle, and my face flames. Josiah promised he wouldn't tell anyone. He promised!

"She slept with me one night because she was too scared to be alone," Dylan says scornfully. 

"How old is she now? Fifteen?" Ethan asks.

"Fourteen," Cole answers. "Jackson never said anything about her sleeping with him."

"Yeah, because he's trying to protect her," Dylan scoffs. "He always does that."

"The whole lot of you is pretty protective," Ryder chuckles.

"Jackson's the worst, though," Cole joins in. "Dude, the night of the accident? He carried her the whole way home and tucked her in. She's fourteen and he tucked her in."

My face is blazing, and it's not the only thing. My temper is ready to explode, flames of anger licking at me. I don't remember the last time I was this mad, this hurt. My own brothers talking about me like that--and their friends, too! It makes me want to scream or kick something--or someone.

"Yeah, I noticed he was kind of babying her," Eli admits. "He's always done that with her, hasn't he? Though not with Kennedy."

Dylan lets out a sharp laugh. "No, he didn't act like that with Kennedy. She could handle herself just fine. I can't remember the last time I saw her cry about something."

"Neither can I," Cole says. "She was a tough kid, that's for sure."

There's a wistful edge in Dylan's voice when he speaks again. "You know, sometimes--" He pauses. "Sometimes I wish Kennedy was here instead."

I lean against the window, resting my forehead on the cool glass. I wish I could erase that memory from my mind forever. If only there was a delete key I could press to make it go away. A wry smile slips across my face. Another "if only" to add to the list. Where will it end?

I open my eyes and look out into the night sky. It's a deep blue, filled with glowing stars. I gaze at them in wonder, searching for the constellations.

Tears sting in my eyelids. I blink them away and peer up at a starless patch in the sky. The vacant darkness is calming, and I find the strength to whisper, "God?"

There's no answer, of course, but I keep going, anyway. "If you're up there . . ." I twist my hands, searching for the right words. "I'm just so lost right now. I didn't want to leave, but what else could I do?" Fresh tears are forming, but this time, I leave them be. "I couldn't keep hurting my family. Not after what happened."

The weight of fear and desperation is bearing down on my shoulders. I'm so helpless and alone, and all I can do is pray, "I need help. Please, help me make it through this."

I wait, but nothing happens. There's no voice in my head, telling me what to do, or any sort of sign. I guess he gave up on me. Just like everyone else.

Defeated, I curl up in my seat and slip deeper into the warmth of my sweatshirt. Or rather, the sweatshirt I snagged from Dylan's closet. I wonder if he'll miss it. I wonder if he'll miss me. Except, of course, I know the answer to that.

I know a lot now, so much more than anyone seems to realize. When will they step back and see that I don't need to be protected from the truth?

Just another one of the million unanswered questions circling in my brain

okay there we go! Thoughts? 😃Thanks for reading! 💜