My Secret Shadow

1

I sink down the wall, panting and frantically trying to get my under control. I feel a million eyes on me, I want to hide, run to safety, I can't move. I can't breath. Everything's closing in! Help please!

"5 things you can see," my best friend Maddison says, immediately sitting next to me.

"Desk, book, Maddy," I look around the room frantically. "Marker, bottle"

"4 things you can touch," she holds out her hand.

"Maddy," I grab her hand, then drop it to frantically search for more. "Carpet," I tug my fingers through the carpet I'm on, "bookshelf," I grasp the book case next to me. "Paper clip," I pick up the paper clip in front of my feet.

"3 things you can hear,"

I breath in slowly, "talking," everyone around me is talking, about me or not, I ignore them. I lay my head against the wall, hearing the music playing on the opposite side. "Music," over all the mumbling of the people around me, I can hear a pen clicking, over and over again. "Pen."

"2 things you can smell," she holds something up in front of me, it's a pack of gum.

I grab it slowly, finally being able to calm down enough to catch on to idea she wants me to take it.

"Mint," I take another deep breath and close my eyes. I can faintly smell the perfume on her. "Roses."

"1 thing you can taste," she holding an unwrapped peace of gum between her pointer and thumb, I take it and start chewing on it.

"Mint," I reply simply, I pull my knees up to my chest, laying my head on them, and I wrap my arms over my head.

She waits a minute till my breathing evens out, "Need to do it again? Or, are you doing better?"

I nod, then I feel her drape her arm over my back.

"Should I call your brother?" I shake my head, "well, what triggered it?"

Honestly, I have no idea. I just, felt like I had something choking me, then I felt like everyone was looking at me, and then I had an anxiety attack. Nothing triggered it like last time, it just happened.

"I don't know."

I look up in time to see the nurse walking in with my teacher following closely behind.

"Hi Damien, are you ready to come down?"

Every time I have an anxiety attack it's always at school, and it doesn't happen often, but enough to know what can help me.

I nod and Maddy helps me stand up.

The first time it happened I was okay enough to grab my phone and call my older brother. He's a college student, 4 years older than me. I don't want to bug him while he's doing something good.

As I'm walking out of the room, I look back one final time? Noticing all the students staring at me, I get self conscious and turn back around, hurrying to get to the nurses office.

I stay in her room until the end of the hour, sorting through my thoughts, wishing I could call my brother for comfort, but I can't waste his time.

"Are you still not feeling well?"

I shake my head, not feeling like talking.

"Should I call your dad to come get you instead?"

I think about it, but he's at work, and being a single fathers not a very easy job.

I shake my head again.

She sighs but nods, "well, would you like me to call Madison down?"

I immediately nod, if I can't bother them then I can at least bother her, she'd like to get out of class to help me anyways.

I stay in my dark corner, closing my eyes to help with my pounding head.

"Well, isn't this a happy birthday?" Maddison stands next to me. "An unexpected anxiety attack on your birthday, that's BS. We are definitely going out after this, you need to clear your mind."

"Yeah," I mumble and open my eyes, "were they talking about me?"

"Yeah, but it's okay. Let them. They don't know you, who are they to pass judgment on you?"

"Yeah, thank you."

"That's what I'm here for," she smile, plopping in front of me and grabbing my hand.

"Anyone coming to get you?"

"No, I said no."

She nods, then she starts rambling away aimlessly. I still have the looking feeling I had before, I'm just not sure if it's from my anxiety or something else. We spend the next 2 hours in there, I have the same odd feeling. Even while leaving I have the odd feeling. I have this feeling until I go home.

My brothers here to pick me up, I take a step out, and have that feeling. Feeling like all eyes are on me. I take a breathe, and swiftly turn around.

My eyes are playing tricks on me, surely. What I'm seeing is just my anxiety, what I'm seeing... is a shadow.

I turn on the lights, the shadow disappears, the only shadow remaining is my own. I turn quickly, leaving the room with the lights on behind me not allowing the absence of my mind to trick me into thinking crazy.

No one was there, nothing was wrong, it's just my anxiety. I'll be okay when I get home, I know I will.

I run out to my brother, sinking deep into the leather of his hatch back. He asks if I'm okay, I just send a simple response back. I will be when I get home.

The wind blows through my thin fare hair, brushing against my face gently but rapidly. I close my eyes, sticking my spread out palm into the running air. I breath against the flow, the cooling air filling my lungs with every breath. The sound of the engine roaring, the cars zooming, it's calming. It's free.