spencer reid imagines

i hate u, i love u (part 3)

a/n: did i damn near put this entire song in this fic? yes, yes i did i'm so sorry....highly unedited.
how was your guys' holiday?
warning(s): language. angst. fluff....
word count: 2.6k
request(ed): yes.
summary: old things try to get fixed, while new feelings and places...arise and get mixed.
(wtf am i dr. seuss now??)
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feeling used, but i'm still missing you. and i can't see the end of this, just wanna feel your kiss, against my lips
and now all this time, is passing by.... but i can't seem to tell you why. it hurts me every time i see you realize how much i need you...

Seeing Spencer and actually letting all of that out did a number on you. You apologized to Aaron countless times and he said it was okay countless times but you still felt so bad. He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve your drama, and not to mention how embarrassing it's been. You felt like you ruined his whole night. It was supposed to be fun and yet you didn't have any. He said he did but you know Hotch didn't.

You'd have to make it up to him somehow soon but you didn't know how. How are you supposed to fix this? Any of this??

It feels like you're being sucked into the eye of a tornado little by little and you just can't get out. It feels like everyone else is safe on the ground feet planted and they're all just staring at you and laughing. Staring and not helping.

Your chest hurt. You hated feeling like this. So helpless...and stuck. You were stuck and not ready to fix it...well...part of it. You could still fix one thing. You didn't have to be stuck here. Here in this small apartment with no room for anything let alone breathe. You needed space. You needed change. You needed control. Everything is spinning in circles and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't stop it.

So why not do something that could help you? That you've been meaning to do but never had the time for?

Apartment searching. Well...bigger apartment searching.

Where you were staying now was a studio apartment. You loved the open concept except for how small it was. You just need room.

Before...
"I like it here. It's so small and cute."
You could tell cute was a foreign word to Spencer when it came to describing a building. But he was trying. You thought he was cute.
"Thanks Spencer but I'm thinking something different. Maybe another bedroom for a roommate...or just a bigger one for y'know...another person."
You never really brought up the idea of moving in together before. Sure, it'd be easier...his job was nearby, and there was a bus stop at the end of the street, and there was you....so his reaction kind of put you...off.
"Roommate sounds good. One of your friends maybe? Although I wouldn't want her to y'know...interrupt us." He had that cute seductive tone to his voice but he wasn't sounding very cute and seductive.
You weren't going to argue. "Yeah...a roommate. Who do you think I should ask?" you paused. "Sara or Malia?"
Spencer was quiet for a moment, like he was thinking. "Malia maybe?"
You didn't have a friend named Malia.

And that's what hurt the most you think. The fact that you still thought about him 24/7 even though what you had with him wasn't perfect. You thought it was before..you thought he was before..but now you're realizing nothing about it was perfect but at least it was something. Now you have nothing.

It was only the afternoon so you decided to look for some places. You found 3 places suitable for what you were looking for. All 3 were good sizes, good prices, and a good amount away from your job and college. You felt almost lucky. This felt almost too easy.

Until you saw the first two places in person. They were okay, but not really what you were looking for.

The last place though...the place was great, the location was great, the neighborhood was great, hell even the yard. Hell, you'd have no use for it, you didn't have a kid but it was still a nice looking yard. You could tell that someone in the apartment, hopefully your new neighbor, took great care of the gardens.