Twelve Days

Day eleven

I woke up in the middle of the night, freezing. Trying not to wake up Alec I searched for my hoodie and sweatpants to warm myself up a bit. This was weird- it was summer and usually I didn't wear long sleeved clothes at night, barely even in winter. Maybe I did catch a cold on that run through the rain yesterday, but I doubted it as I felt no symptoms of a cold. Shivers ran down my spine as I crawled back into bed. "You okay?", Alec asked, his voice rough and sleepy. "Yeah. Go back to sleep.", I said. "Alright.", Alec said and wrapped his arm around me, giving off some of his body heat. I smelled the scent of his skin mixed with faint traced of his perfume. He has been wearing that very perfume ever since middle school- I remember it being a joke to gift him another bottle of it for his birthday freshman year of highschool but, proving everyone including me wrong, he emptied that bottle within a year. And ever since, I have gifted him a bottle of that perfume for every birthday. Knowing I wasn't going to be there for his next ones but not being able to bear the thought of him having no one to gift him that perfume all the next years, I bought over 70 bottles and stashed them in his basement for him to find them when coming home. To every single bottle I stuck a note fot him to open on one of his birthdays. I hoped that this would make him feel a bit better and less alone. We have been best friends all our lives after all. We graduated together, went to his parent's farm in summer, climbed trees and got drunk for the first time. So many memories connected me to him- i almost felt as if I wouldn't be me without him.

I pressed my pill out of the packaging- now there was only one left. Tomorrow was going to be the day, most probably. As I took a deep breath and watched the mountains against the bright blue sky, lit up by the sun. "Beautiful, isn't it?", Alec said as he approached me and hopped onto the grass, barefoot like I was. When I looked at him I saw he was only wearing a Tanktop and some shorts, the cold breeze was disarraying his hair, his eyes sparkling in competition with the stars we saw last night. "It is.", I sighed and swallowed hard. "There really isn't much out there for me, is it?", I asked quietly. "There is more out there for you than there ever has been for any of us.", Alec said and honestly, it made sense. The wind in my hair, wet grass against my feet and the sun in my face- there was nothing better I could have imagined. It was bittersweet though, because I knew- my own sun was going to set soon as well, life would leave my body, leaving nothing but a hollow shell and a bunch of peoples' memories of a guy that breathed as if it was the greatest thing in the world.

"Are you cold?", Alec asked as I pulled up my socks sitting at the maroon lake. "A bit.", I sighed and took another sip from our water bottle. "You look pale.", he added. "Coming from you, that's quite something.", I joked. "No, I'm for real.", Alec got serious, "Are you okay?" "Yeah, just tired.", I sighed. I could feel the past days deep in my bones- After all I have been more active in the past ten days then in the previous ten months. No wonder I was getting exhausted. I mean I simply wasn't used to that kind of lifestyle anymore. "Do you want to go back? It's getting late anyways.", Alec offered and I nodded. This wasn't fun anymore, this was ugly and I wanted to just lie down next to Alec in our van. "Okay.", he said and helped me up. Turning around and shooting today's last gaze on Maroon bells I felt something in my chest contract- maybe this wasn't just todays last gaze, maybe this was my last ever gaze. keeping the view like a photo in my mind, I turned my back to it and started walking back to the van. I stumbled a couple of times on my way back, but Alec was there to catch me. He always has been. When arriving at the van, we lied down on our bed, I put on another layer of socks while Alec brought me some tea. Outside, the sun was starting to set as Alec and I laid down. Through the glass roof, we watched the sky turn pretty colors. "The sun is setting.", Alec whispered and I nodded, because I felt like mine was too. There was this theory that when it's your time die, you feel it. And I always thought of death as something dramatic and violent, like losing a war and Hades' troupes invading your body. I thought it was painful, bitter, sad, you'd feel desperate but too paralyzed to scream, it would feel like water running through your hands and you would helplessly try to hold on to the last bit of hope, that last bit of life, that last breath, last thought, last heartbeat. But it felt peaceful, losing my battle to the pills. And I didn't feel sorrow, or worry, or regret. Those pills gave me more than any normal life ever could. Even though they took my life, they gave me something worth much more than a few more weeks- they gave me a life worth living and they gave me a shot at doing the things I postponed to the non-existent later. And even though the doctor said twelve days and today was the eleventh, I wasn't mad. Because I lived everyone of them as if they were going to be my last. "Take care, Alec.", I breathed out. "You too, brother.", I heard him sob quietly, and his warm hand stroke my ice cold face until I closed my eyes and left this earth behind with a smile.