Twelve Days

Day six

Sadly, our morning in the Black Canyon was rainy so we saw no point in going on our hike yet and delayed it to the afternoon, hoping the weather would act in our favor then. As always I took my pill before breakfast, brushed my teeth, put on decent clothing. It was weird having pressed out the sixth pill out of the package- half way through. "Any regrets?", Alec's voice echoed out of the front part of the van. Whirling round, I saw him leaning against our door with a cup of tea in his hand, obviously having watched me flick the pill box through my fingers. "Why should I?", I asked, putting the box aside. "I don't know. What if you would have chosen life support?", Alec asked and sat down next to me. "Then I'd be a vegetable tied to a hospital bed, waiting to die. Compared to touring across America with my best friend in a van, that seems a bit lame.", I replied- I always knew this conversation would happen some day. "But what if they would have found a cure until then?", Alec asked, "What if in three weeks from now they would find a cure and because of life support it wouldn't be too late?" "Do you know that the day I got diagnosed, I was about to go to a tattoo shop and get 'I am here for a good time, not a long time' tattooed on me because I thought the sarcasm behind it in my case was hilarious?", I replied and chuckled, "Well I had no idea how much that really would become my mindset. What used to be a coping joke developed into a lifestyle. And without that lifestyle I maybe would have chosen life support. But I was damn right not doing that." "And I don't question that, but what if there is going to be a cure that could give you both?", Alec asked, almost desperate. "Then I still wouldn't be on a road trip with you right now. And besides, if we face the facts., what are the odds? Why, just from a logical perspective should anyone try to find a cure to a disease less than 0.5% of the worlds population have when there are things like cancer? If I was in the position, I would focus on things like that as well.", I tried to explain. "But what if it happens randomly? A bit like a miracle?", Alec asked, his eyes wide. "Oh Alec.", I sighed and wrapped my arms around him. "I stopped believing in miracles the day of my diagnosis. I faced the idea of death and it doesn't scare me anymore. I have come to terms with it- and not believing in the possibility of someone or something saving you from a situation like this is the only way you can save yourself. Stop wishing, start doing. And if you want to save yourself from this situation as well, I suggest you try to do the same. At least you have a lot more time to live by that mantra than I ever will."

As if the gods of nature overheard our conversation and decided to support our plans, the weather changed for the better around noon and we decided to go on a little hike with Clary to explore the national park, which was what we were here for after all. "Thank you again for letting me join!", Clary said whilst we finished our walk and were heading towards our campers to arrive there before the night came crashing, "I myself would have never thought of this place as a destination but it's actually incredible!" "Thank you for accompanying us!", I laughed and got rid of my backpack. "It truly was our pleasure.", Alec said and I had a feeling he actually started to like Clary as well. "If you don't mind, I'd take a short trip to the city for the evening in order to facetime my friends- you're welcome to join though!", Clary invited. After thanking her, both of us declined the offer- we actually had plans ourselves which would have been a bit hard to explain to Clary. After saying goodbye, we got into our van, put on some warm clothes and packed our backpack. Apart from clothes and food, I brought a big, heavy black folder. "Are you ready?", Alec smirked and I nodded. In that folder, I kept all my important documents- passport copies, copies of my birth certificate, insurance bills- the type of folder you would take with you in case your house was on fire. But, considering the circumstances, I didn't need any of it anymore. "Now tell me again I am not privileged.", I laughed while approaching the fireplace in the forest a quick March away from our Van's parking spot. "I mean, not many people get to technically erase their existence by burning their birth certificate.", Alec chuckled. At first, he wasn't a big fan of the idea but after assuring him all the really important documents' originals were at my notary's anyways, he agreed.

A few minutes later, we have emptied most of the folder onto the fireplace. "I'll let you do the honors.", Alec said and passed me the lighter. With a grin I took it, setting my birth certificate's official copy on fire before throwing it into the pile of the other documents, lighting all of them up as well. "That's going to be quite a bonfire.", Alec laughed, mesmerized by the bright red flames shooting up into the starry sky. "I just set my bureaucratic self on fire.", I laughed in manic amazement. "The crazy things you do before you die.", Alec laughed, equally rushed by the situation. "It feels so freeing.", I sighed, feeling a weight I never knew I had on my shoulders drop off of them, "I mean I literally am free. I am not a part of the system anymore. I am a nobody- I am myself.", I said. "And my best friend.", Alec added. "That's part of being myself.", I replied and watched the flames created of papers that confirmed my existence- and it really just were papers. Nothing more.