Noel (ON HOLD)

Chapter 12: Innocence

~Zacharias~

Thursday August 18

It's mourning. The magnificent sun rises and roars with ferocity like livid lions in deep pits. Through the windows, the color and shine splash onto my cold body. I feel lifeless, here in my lonely chambers. My eyes shot an icy stares to the blank ceiling. I felt the heavy bags under my eyes, I felt my bones sink into the mattress. I was so tired, but I just couldn't sleep. I haven't slept at all last night. Voices rang back and forth in my head. All I could think about was Catherine, and what she plans to do. And all through out the dark and silent night, my heart cried out for Francis. Francis, my brother. He's so young, only nineteen. I didn't want him to be caught up in this. I have to protect him no matter what. But what can I do? I want to go back in time, back to when he was a baby. I want to hold him again, and keep him safe. But he's growing up, I can't shelter him forever.

I heard a gentle rapping at my bedroom door,but I didn't have the strength to summon an answer. They knocked again, forcefully. "Master, 'Tis breakfast time. May I come in?" I still didn't answer. "Milord, are you there?" He slowly unlocked the door. "Oh Milord I was worried."

It was Sebastian. He was the last person I wanted to see, but I needed to see someone. I needed to speak to somebody, to release the weight on my shoulders. Sebastian came over to my bedside and softly rested a tray of food on my night stand. For at least five minutes we sat in silence. My eyes were simply glue to the ceiling, and I felt Sebastian eyes crawling all over me, like flies on pound flesh. It was a battle between us. We fought for the right to remain silent, awaiting the other to say what needs to be spoken. I know he knows what happened, he always does. And I was fighting to find the words to say. Sorrow filled my empty heart, and all I wanted to do was pour my feelings to Sebastian. But that's not smart. What should I do? What could I do? What do others expect me to do? What do I want to do?

"Sebastian?" I whispered softly. I didn't expect him to hear me, but he replied immediately.

"Why don't you take the day off Milord?" He started to fix up my breakfast. I slowly sat up, and he fixed the pillow to support my aching back.

"Take the day off?" I asked.

"Yes, with Francis. The boy is young, he should have fun. Brothers should bond don't you think?" He fed me. Spoons full of porridge filled my mouth and slithered down my throat with a soft and creamy warmth.

"With Francis." I repeated.

"Yes, Milord. Might I suggest, a worthy distraction? Francis is of age for marriage no? Might he be interested in finding a lady?" I felt excitement shoot up through my veins. Marriage, yes. The baby is aborted, Catherine and I are wed, and Francis is married. This whole mess will be covered up, and Francis will be happy.

"Sebastian, summon Francis."

***

"You've gone wankers!" Francis laughed at my proposal, shamelessly and with so much cheer. We were sitting together on the palace balcony. We had pints of alcohol in our hands and smiles on our faces. It feels so bizarre having a drink with my little brother, but it fills me with joy and pride.

"Let's just think about it for a moment alright. You have a really big privilege. You don't have to limit yourself to to bitchy, horny, conceded, hob knocking, clown-looking women of the first estate. You can be with absolutely anyone in the world." I laughed.

"I'll drink to that!" Our glasses clinked and we laughed together. It was the first time I felt really happy in a while. We stopped laughing, and sighed. My eyes went back to Francis, whose eyes looked out towards the world in wonder. His brown eyes were filled with hope and happiness. He has such a graceful smile on his face, so warm and bright. The wind gently caressed his dark blonde hair. He looks a lot like father, beautiful and ambitious. I envy him, he has so much freedom.