Don't wait for me

Chapter 6: Unbearable

His head had made a decision, but his heart was still conflicted.

The questions wouldn't stop fusing in his mind, and he tried his best to shut them up, without great success.

He knew what he had to do, and why.

Since his kind of failed dinner with the redhead and his boyfriend, Joseph would invite Caesar to various places way more than before. Sometimes in a park, sometimes in a café or even a cinema. Caesar had fallen hard, but not fast, for the brunette, and had no idea how to react to such feelings. He pushed them away as much as possible, but realised he couldn't keep up forever. Each time they saw each other was a reminder of how strongly Caesar was pained of not having him." He is taken, stop hoping you fucking idiot", he'd tell himself quite often.

This constant fight against his own feelings eventually reached a point in which they were simply unbearable. The closer he was to Joseph, the heavier everything was. He wanted to see him more, to see him and him only all the time. But he knew it would only lead to pain and self-loathing.

He sent a message to the brunette.

"Are you free tomorrow morning? I'd like to talk. The Rossini Café at 9?"

A part of him was terribly mad at this decision, wanted to go back because it was still possible, but the blonde refused to listen to this part of him.

The next morning, while waiting for Jojo at the café, Caesar freaked out. He has rehearsed what he had to say at least fifty times, but was still unsure of whether he'd be able to say it or not.

He repeatedly told himself that it was the best possible option considering the situation he was in, but he was still scared.

He was so lost in anxious thoughts that he didn't notice his friend's arrival at the table. He snapped out and focused on the actual present to see Joseph's genuinely worried face.

-Hey, are you alright Caesarino? You don't look well.

-Yeah, yeah, of course, everything is absolutely...no, perfectly fine.

-Don't answer like that, he said while sitting down. Did something happen?

Caesar hadn't said a thing, and yet felt really guilty about was he was going to do.

-Yes, no...you'll see. I've just got something...to tell you. But, let's order something first.

Caesar called a pink haired waitress passing by and commended the –probably– sweetest milkshake they had for himself, and a cappuccino for Joseph.

The two waited in an awkward silence, Caesar having seemingly made Joseph anxious too.

When their drinks arrived, he drank two thirds of his glass immediately, and the brunette kept staring at him with worry.

-You know, there's been something that was bothering me since my very first day. And I consider the day I woke up at the hospital as my very first day. That is the past. And it has been eight years now...but I can't recall a single thing from before. During eight years I was hoping to recover some memories, or something from what I was before. But since no memory has come back, I want to...cut ties with the past. You know, I need...to move on, completely. Of course I have a job totally linked to my past, since it's my family's legacy, but I can't just stop working and...

Caesar couldn't stand Joseph's eyes on him. The brunette was trying to figure out what was his point, so the blonde went on.

-Look Jojo, what I'm trying to say is that...I don't think we should be friends anymore.