"Oh god!"
There was a frantic shuffling and slamming of closing books and then Hermione dove under the table and pulled Harry's cloak of invisibility over herself.
A moment later, Malfoy came nonchalantly around the corner and then froze. His ferret-y face screwed up with disappointment as he stared at Harry and Ron.
There was a pretentious bouquet of orchids in his hands, with a flock of tiny golden birds flying around it, softly chirping a love ballad.
"Potter. Weasley. Zabini said he saw Granger studying here."
Harry and Ron stared at each other and then back at Malfoy with confusion.
"Bathroom," Ron said.
"Ancient Runes," Harry said at the same time.
They both winced and glared at each other.
Malfoy sneered. "She has Ancient Runes on Tuesday afternoons with Hufflepuff, Potter."
Harry nodded awkwardly wondering how Malfoy knew that. "Oh right. I have no idea where she is. You could try the prefects bath."
Malfoy's cheeks flushed bright pink and a slight choking sound escaped his throat. "If you see her, tell her I'm looking for her."
He turned on his heel and hurried away.
Harry waited until Malfoy's footsteps had faded before he reached under the table and tugged at his cloak. Hermione's bushy head emerged, followed by the rest of her.
"Honestly Harry, Ancient Runes on a Sunday evening?" She crawled out and back into her chair.
"What did you do to Malfoy? Did you love potion him?" Ron was staring incredulously at her as she primly pulled her books back out of her bag.
Hermione shot a scathing glare at Ron. "No. What kind of person do you think I am?"
She sniffed. "I might as well tell you. I had rounds with him two weeks ago. He was being an utter arse as usual. I thought if I used a bit of reverse psychology on him, maybe it would make him shut up. I told him that his constant antagonism towards me probably stemmed from repressed sexual fascination." She buried her face in her hands and snorted loudly. "I forgot about how utterly bizarre and antiquated purebloods are."
"Oi!" Ron said indignantly.
Hermione lifted her head, scowled, and started furiously marking up spelling errors on Harry's essay.
"I thought it worked. He avoided me like the plague for a week and every time he saw me his face would turn red. But then—" her voice jumped, "when we had rounds on Thursday night, he told me that I was right and he'd written and informed his parents of his intention to formally court me so we can get married following graduation."
"Bloody hell." Ron was staring at Hermione in stunned admiration. His shoulders started shaking with laughter.
"I told him no, but apparently it's traditional for a witch to be resistant, as a test of a wizard's sincerity."
She scoffed and began tearing Harry's sentence structures apart. "I thought I'd put him off by seeming over-eager, so when he showed up yesterday, I acted like I was actually taking him seriously, and he snogged me!"
"What?" Ron abruptly stopped laughing.
Hermione continued without acknowledging Ron. "I slapped him. Then he accused me of repressed sexual fascination!"
She added a comma so violently that it tore the parchment. She laid her quill down and curled her hands into fists, drawing a deep breath as though trying to calm herself. "So—I'm employing a strategic retreat—until I figure out what to do."
Harry shook his head. "Only you, Hermione."
Ron leaned forward, his eyes suspicious. "Do you have any repressed sexual fascination with Malfoy?"
