It's All Coming Back to Me Now

6: The Sun Was So Cruel

"Eda! Eda, are you home?" Serkan called as he opened the door, finding the apartment dark. He was planning on staying in his office after class to grade papers, but when he called Eda to let her know, she didn't answer the phone. He sent her a text, too, and she didn't respond to that either. He was worried, so he'd stuffed his papers into his briefcase and hurried home.

He turned the light on in the living room and noticed Eda's keys were on the table by the door, and her shoes and coat were strewn on the floor, which was not like her. Serkan's heart rate picked up as every possible worst-case scenario ran through his head. He sprinted across the small living room to look for her in the bedroom.

Their bedroom door was ajar, and when he pushed it open, he saw Eda sitting on the edge of the bed, just staring into the darkness. He breathed a sigh of relief and rushed to her, kneeling down in front of her. He took her limp hands in his; they were like ice. He rubbed them between his hands to warm them up and lifted his gaze to her face. Her expression was blank, her eyes looked empty; it was as if she didn't even see him or realize he was there with her.

"Eda," he said softly, his voice breaking on her name. He lifted a hand to her face and stroked her cheek. "Eda, love, look at me."

She was so still, he wasn't sure if she'd heard him, but then she slowly lowered her head and her eyes landed on his, her eyebrows knitting together in confusion. He kissed her hands, relieved that she'd responded to him. "That's it, Eda. Keep looking into my eyes."

"Serkan?" Her voice was timid, like the voice of a frightened child, and it broke his heart. He would do anything to take her pain from her.

He got up and sat on the bed next to her, pulling her into his arms. He was afraid she'd resist, but she didn't. He kissed the top of her head and rubbed circles on her back. "I'm here, Eda. I'm here."

She wrapped her arms around his middle, clutching the back of his sweater in her fists, She buried her face in his chest, inhaling deeply, taking in his scent. Serkan smelled like home, and each breath brought her back to herself little by little.

He rocked her in his arms, kissing her face, stroking his hands over her hair, her arms, her back. He whispered over and over again, "I love you, Eda. I love you," until, finally, she cracked, her silence broken by a mournful wail that tore at Serkan's soul.

He held her while she cried, and he cried, too, for the first time in the eight months since they'd lost their daughter. He cried for Eda, for their lost baby girl, for himself, for them. All this time he'd tried so hard to be strong for Eda, he hadn't let himself grieve. He didn't want her to feel like she had to worry about him or take care of him when she had so much sadness in her heart already.

She looked up at him and brought her hands up to hold his face. She wiped his tears away with her fingers and kissed his face. He couldn't meet her eyes, like he was ashamed of letting himself cry. He leaned over and buried his face in her neck, his arms around her, his gut-wrenching sobs tearing through his body. She held him tightly and stroked his hair and his back, her tears coursing down her cheeks silently. Her heart hurt for him.

Sometimes she thought he'd just turned his emotions off after the accident, that he wasn't capable of feeling anything anymore. Despite his constant reassurance, sometimes she thought he didn't really love her anymore, and that's why he wasn't willing to show her how he felt. He used to be so transparent, she could always tell what he was feeling, but now he was closed off and she didn't know what he thought of her. He kept begging her to talk to him and tell him what she was feeling, but he wasn't willing to do the same.