It's All Coming Back to Me Now

7: It's So Hard To Resist

Previously:

Everything was coming back to me; my heart felt like it was overflowing with memories of how we loved each other. The longing for him that I'd kept buried for so long had resurfaced, and it was impossible for me to push it down again. I felt like I needed him to stay near me--I didn't want him to leave yet, but I didn't say anything. It wouldn't be fair for me to make him think there was hope; I didn't deserve him and he deserved better than me.

"Goodbye, Serkan." It took everything in me to stop myself from running after him.

***

Serkan happened to be outside in front of his house when I arrived. He approached the car and opened the door for me, holding his hand out to help me out of the car. I thanked the driver, and I didn't even think about it; I took Serkan's hand and was surprised again by the sparks that zapped through me when he touched me. I looked down at our hands, and they looked so right, my small hand encased in his big, strong hand. I've always loved his hands--capable, talented, soothing. I felt like nothing could touch me as long as he held me in his hands.

It crossed my mind that he wasn't with me when it happened, and he couldn't protect us. He must have seen the pain flash across my face, because he dipped his head to meet my eyes. "Hey. You okay?"

I nodded and smiled at him. "I'm fine."

We both watched as the car drove away, letting the awkward moment pass. "Well, good morning, Eda," he said, his whole face smiling at me. His eyes looked so green in the morning light and I wanted to stare into them like I used to on lazy weekend mornings, naming all the different colors I could see in their depths.

I pulled my hand from his and clenched it into a fist, trying to hold onto the feeling of my hand in his. "Good morning, Serkan Bey."

He gave me an impatient look. "Eda, come on. How long will we keep this up? I know what you look like naked. Please drop the bey."

My jaw dropped open and my cheeks grew warm. "Serkan!" I couldn't believe him! The nerve! 

But then I was thinking about what he looked like naked and my mouth went dry. I found myself wishing I could see him shirtless--his body had changed since we were together, and I wanted to see. Despite everything, I still thought of his body as mine.

I didn't realize I was ogling him until I heard him chuckle. "I can take my clothes off for you, if you like." He wagged his eyebrows at me. "To refresh your memory..."

"No! I don't want to think about you...not wearing clothes!" My voice came out high-pitched like it always did when I was excited or nervous. He used to tease me about it all the time. I closed my eyes and hoped I sounded indignant enough.

He was holding in a laugh, I could tell. "Okay, Eda...Tamam." He was so cocky he made me want to scream! But that arrogant smile of his was so damn sexy. I took a deep breath in and exhaled loudly. This was going to be harder than I thought--he was so hard to resist. 

It was funny how even though all the hurt was still there, having him back in my life brought back more good memories than bad. I had to keep reminding myself of who I was, why I left, why I could never be with him. Sometimes I thought maybe things didn't have to be this way, maybe he'd understand? Maybe if he could forgive me, I could forgive myself? But then I'd come back to reality. 

He nodded toward the house. "Let's go inside for a bit before we go? I made tea, he paused for effect and grinned at me,  "And I brought your favorite chocolate from home."

My eyes went round with glee and my lips slowly spread into a huge smile. "Really, Serkan?" I threw my arms around him and hugged him tightly. "I love you!" As soon as it left my mouth, I cringed. Ah, Eda, ah! It was a slip of the tongue, habit--I was so used to saying those words to Serkan, thinking them about him, that they just came out. I buried my face in his shoulder, afraid to see his face.