It's All Coming Back to Me Now

12: Hurt You Even Worse

Previously:

"Serkan, every single day since I left, I've questioned my decision. I cried and cried until my tears turned to dust and there was nothing left. I came here to get as far away from you as possible." He flinched at my words. "But do you know why?"

"No, Eda. I don't know anything anymore."

"Because I was running away from myself--the Eda who was yours. Because I didn't deserve you."

He shook his head again. "What are you talking about, Eda?"

"I killed our baby, Serkan. She died because of me."

***

Serkan held my face in his hands, his sad eyes searching mine. "Eda, it was an accident. It wasn't your fault."

I shook my head. "No, you don't understand. You told me to be careful before I left, and I--"

At that moment Leyla and Seyfi came in, followed by Mikey, and Serkan let out a sigh of frustration, but didn't look away from me. "Good morning, Serkan Bey!" Leyla was cheerful, as usual, and didn't realize until it was too late that she'd interrupted a serious conversation. Serkan's eyes were fastened to mine and I couldn't look away. "Ohhh...I am so sorry. We're interrupting, aren't we. We can go, right guys? Your questions can wait, right, Mikey?"

He nodded. "Sure, sure. No problem. We can take care of something else for now."

Serkan dropped his hands and both of us turned to look at them.

"Good morning, Leyla," I said. "It's no problem, really. Don't worry." I looked at Serkan, and he looked like he was about to cry. I hated leaving the conversation where it was, but this wasn't a conversation we could have with other people around. "We can talk later, right, Serkan?" I looked at him apologetically, and he nodded in resignation. I squeezed his hands in mine and tried my best to reassure him.

I got up and grabbed my crutches and went over to Seyfi, who was looking at me with questions in his eyes.

"You okay, Edacım?" he asked under his breath, his eyes moving over my face. "You're white as a sheet."

I nodded. "Let's go outside and talk, okay?"

"Okay, canım. Let's go."

"Eda, wait." Serkan got up and walked toward me. He came to a stop right in front of me, so close I had to look up to see his face. "Stay for dinner?"

I swayed toward him, wishing I could lean into him and have him hold me. Instead I stood my ground and nodded. "I'll stay."

"Okay." He reached up and cupped my cheek, wiping the leftover tears from under my eye.

He turned his attention to Mikey, who was standing awkwardly next to Leyla wondering what was going on. Mikey had been working with Seyfi and me since we started our business, and he knew me well. He must've been very confused about my relationship with Serkan, but to his credit, he didn't say anything. "Alright, Mikey, you had some questions for me?" Serkan asked him, bending to look at the sketches he'd laid out on the table.

I watched them interact, listened to Mikey's questions and Serkan's answers--I should probably be in on this conversation, but I didn't have it in me to focus. Serkan's perfect, unaccented English always surprised me--even still. He'd gone to boarding school in Chicago, and spent most of his childhood away from Turkey, away from his family. He always told me he'd found his home when he found me. And I'd left him--alone and without a home.

I started crying again, and Seyfi pushed me gently toward the door. "Come on, Eda. Let's go outside."

Serkan looked up at me and I turned away quickly so he wouldn't see me crying, but I was pretty sure I was too late. I went out onto the back patio, and Seyfi followed. He pulled out a chair for me and I sat down, and he sat down next to me and took my hand in his. "Tell Seyfi all about it, güzelim."