Safe Blood | English translation

8. Utopia

The commotion rose again when Sarah fastened the white bra on my shoulders.
It's over! I don't want to bear it anymore
To look like a fool can be more painful than anything, and I do not know why my heart does not want to stop beating and pumping blood to my brain cells when it knows I can not control my damn stress .

Nash : Do you know? This disobedience and stubbornness makes me want to commit suicide with my fingernails!
In three minutes You are going for another cat Walk and look at yourself! You didn't even change the make-up! You are making me crazy !!

I looked impatiently at Nash, who was looking credibly , and ignoring Sarah , who was busy with my bra .
I got up and before I could open my mouth the sound of music rose again and I heard the girls in the dressing room screams loudly .

M : How many angel are going before me?

I shouted at him with all my might

Nash : This time , after Candice , Kendall and Gigi go on stage first
You know, I would love to start with the famous models that people come to see their bodies .
This is the procedure. First they and then we introduce a series of our new faces and then you I swear to God if you do not listen to me again .

Nash shouted in my ear, then hurried to another table , before Sarah can finish her work . Adriana took my hand and we sat down at the table and my personal hairdresser started .

I want to think this was what I wanted ?
Was this the ideal life I slept with at night ?
That someone kept yelling at me all the time , dictate me to don't and do it , and spend half an hour under a costume.
and the people watching me with their roving eye ...

walk with pride and artificial charm and see that they look into each other's eyes as if I'm not there .
And I put everything behind my smile and pretend to be indifferent to everything that no longer belongs to me .

Sarah : Get up so that I can tighten the clamps so that your feet do not get caught !

My green eyes are not match to that shade of gray . Withal that so much heavy make i became too much like my dead mother's soul . until five minutes ago , I was someone else, and now I am another .

_ Do not look proud , you are only here because of your body and appearance, so do not act as if nothing is worthy of you !

I stare in the mirror at the hairdresser who was bent over Adriana's face and carefully mascaraing her eyelashes and he angrily told Adriana not to frown .

I wish I knew the answer to so many truths that are reminded to me here every second

_ Enough of everything you did! Hurry up morph, it's your turn! Prove that your parents made the biggest mistake by giving you such a name !
Remember , what's gonna happen is gonna happen , so you better just try to predict what will happen .
I do not have time to remind you every time that I do not even care how much money you make for me or how much you make people for our products. When you become the biggest pain in my ass , I throw you out . so try to work with the singer this time .

while I was trying to ease my anger , I saw Kendall and Bella's smile
I remembered Adriana's words :
They are jealous ...

so I have to do something so that the whole world will be jealous of me .

It does not matter what secret I take with me
It doesn't matter if he didn't want me for something which wasn't my fault
It does not matter if this is a demonstration, I have to do something to keep all the words I have to hide behind every single step I take .

No one else should understand
No one
It seems that even I do not know yet ...

I try to show the protrusions of my body more, and the voice of the crowd echoes in my head
I have to do something to make him understand. To find out what he has lost. To understand ... to understand ... I do not care
I raise my hands as if they were waiting to explode .... The blue and purple lights come and go and I feel disgusting by their combination.
I look at the Weeknd as he looks at me and starts singing and I smile as if another brain is giving me instructions.

I take her hand and my legs try to dance. If I fall, Sarah will be unemployed
I stand in front of the crowd and put my hand in my hair and came back

My ear is ringing. Not now, I promised.
You are only here for your appearance and physique..

If I did not have the same, where would I be now?

If I did not have this life , how could I cope with this stigma?

Should i be proud now ?
That the whole hall applauds me and men look at me eagerly and I know the rich adultery will order the set of underwear I wore to night

Maybe it's because he didn't want me ... it seems like I don't want anything anymore ... even him I do not want either. I do not want anything in this life

But I do not know why I am not ready yet. I was never ready ...
It seems like I'm going to be active with everything I have now. I'm going to run away from everything I do not have...
Smile and show that i'm proud of my charm .