Safe Blood | English translation

3. I , don't cry

2:50pm

First Consultation Session, Dr. Alfred Jones Psychiatry Office ، November 13

Dr : So Murphy Queen, right? First of all I have to say that I am honored that your medical team has recommended me. Emilia has always been kind to me but let me ask What made someone like you need someone like me?

I chewed my lip.
I stared at the gray hair and the stubble on his face.
It's not going to be easy , that I would describe my miserable life to a psychiatrist whose name is Alfred or something.

M : I'm ... I'm in a lot of trouble. because of a secret I couldn't explain to my boyfriend.
And this was his idea, not mine ! I still don't want to talk about them.

I don't want to look at him. I think if I had a brother, I'd say that Alfred and him were the same age.

He was silent as if he wanted me to continue.

M : But if I don't, I'll just lose my excuses No matter, though! When he finds out, he won't be there anymore, but I'm just tired! Do you think why I came to be such a professional? You think I like my whole life to be under a bunch of underwear and every day be careful that reporters and people don't threaten us in our private lives.

He stared at me.

Dr : you know ? You have an hour to talk about everything we need to talk about.
Who said your boyfriend was going to know about our meetings? I talk to each of you individually and if you don't want him to know it, there is no need to know.

I stare at him suspiciously.

maybe he is lying.

Dr : We swore we wouldn't tell anyone our sick secret until they read it themselves.

I puff my breath.

M : I - I - I had no psychological childhood.
i have no family. I was at a( charitable)foundation for orphans.
One day, I was in the middle of my 16 when amelia dragged me out of there.
She never told me why she got there or what the hell she was up to , but She brought me to the fashion world and now...
She is my Program Manager and i have to say i hate her and I hope you tell her Because you said she was kind to you , she probably won't be bothered to hear it from you...
But I hate everything and everyone except , you know?
That's ... that's why I'm scared.

Do I have to cry right now to make it feel so emotional?

It's not like the psychological films of the CW network.

Dr : Go on . I'm not gonna talk right now.
Not until you tell me what made you feel that way.

Now that I'm careful , I have the ugliest fingers in the world , Which is rotten due to overuse of artificial nails.
And the silver ring on my little finger looks ugly , more than ever.

M : You swore ! If you are one of those people who believe in God and his Christ , do not quote the reporter or anyone who asks you a question at the price of money.

If he hadn't said just that word I would have thought he was mute.

M : I had a father.
He was a drunk and a drug addict.
My mother died during childbirth.
You know? She died before my father got a chance to get married.
And he...he just hated me.
He said I was his bastard and he accused me of my mother's death.
Why did I give him ownership? He didn't even know me.

I'm terrified of saying all of this.

By now , their bones are probably rotten , And now I'm just talking about the unbearable life that they made for me.

M : One night , my father passed through his usual limit.
I guess I was 12 , and I was in the throes of sadness and self-pity
He...I guess he made me wrong with my mothe , I like to think that way to make it ! To blame for all this pain and regret
I remember him constantly yelling :
Mirana
And was laughing
From that day I was technically no longer innocent.

my legs hurt . It's like I'm feeling all over it again.

M : I don't even want to talk about that night, but I wasn't a kid anymore , I think it's enough for you to know how he did it.

just dont cry. You 've been dealing with this for seven years , and you don't have a right to cry about it right now.

M : My dad didn't even remember what he did to me the next morning , and what if it wasn't my real dad ?
Maybe my dad was someone else , and my mother was the one who died and maybe that's why he hated me.
I don't want to think.

the story of my ruined life seems kind of boring.

M : A week later , I guess Thursday morning , One of my dad's friend brought me his body
His name was Jan or Joseph or something like that would start with J
I don't know Maybe it was overdose or something like that , he was always drunk.
i dont want to think about it . I hated my father.
We buried him the same evening in a place near our house with his friend . We lived in a poor , desolate neighborhood.
The death of a drunken addict was not important to anyone.
No one knew much about his life.
His friend didn't even know I lived in my dad's house.
It didn't matter to him.
He just asked me who I was and what I was doing there and When he saw me saying nothing , he put my dad on the couch.
He turned to me and said as if he was spelling the easiest word in the world : He is dead ! The bartender took him into the bathroom to avoid causing trouble.

i pulled my finger over my face , I stared at the blackness on my palm and someone was laughing out loud somewhere near our old house.