Love, Me

Mr. Gaiman and Sex Preface

I am gonna tell you a little secret. Not so much a secret as it is just one of those small facts about yourself you choose not to broadcast to the world.  Whenever people do find out, they look at me as though I've confessed to serial murder. Their jaws drop and they seem to be paralyzed with flabbergasted fear. Then they sputter, "You're a virgin?!" 

Yep. That's right folks. I am 24 years old and a penis has indeed not entered my vaginal opening. Why? Because boys have cooties and Ashley Cooks in Mr. Muluvane's fifth-grade class never got the chance to finish my cootie shot. All I got was the "Circle, Circle, Dot." To this day I am still missing "Dot, Now You've got the Cootie Shot. Circle, Circle, Square, Square, Now You've got it Everywhere!" 

Now how is a girl supposed to fornicate with a handsome (or at least with a decent credit score) man with an incomplete cootie shot? 

In all seriousness, I've never felt at odds with my virginity. It does not feel like some isolating disease I need to be rid of. I never understood my classmate's needs to be rid of theirs as soon a humanly possible. People began to be flabbergasted at my virginity when I turned seventeen. I was flabbergasted that people wanted to move so quickly. I had only had my first kiss just a year before. 

Consequently, I have also been single for all 24 years of my existence. Something else I have also been very comfortable with. I was always surrounded by guys and gals with some romantic drama going on. A romantic drama that only seemed to last a few months and then onto the next and the next after that. It always seemed like too much work and a waste of time. "Searching for love". What a farce. I decided early on that I would just wait. We will stumble upon each other eventually. Become friends, then lovers. When I lose my virginity it will not be to a gangly, pimpled, oily teen that likely does not bathe regularly. It will be to my best friend who respects and adores me. Until then, I am content to wait. 

Don't get me wrong. I get plenty horny. That's what God made vibrators and dildos for silly! I am no stranger to a yummy sex toy and if you haven't tried one, I recommend you do. They're great. Unlike humans, they don't tire (as long as you remember to charge the damn thing) and they never go soft. 

Now if you are a 13-year-old watpadder who has stumbled upon this and thinks to themself "I need to get myself one of these!" Please for the love of all things private, wait a few years until you move out of your parent's house. Your parents will find it and you both will be scarred for life. Just wait.

Now, what does this have to do with to story? Absolutely Fucking Nothing. I just have no friends and no one to talk to in person and due to the continuation of 2020 (I refuse to believe that this shit is still happening in 2021, so it must be that time just stopped and we are stuck in a 2020 time paradox. Don't worry the Doctor will save us soon. She just needs to address The Master and The dragoons army.)

Why did I write this story? I was reading "Trigger Warning" by Neil Gaiman and in one of his stories he mentioned an uninventor. I thought it was the most curious thing. And I happened to be horny. Sometimes when sex is on the mind I do think of what it would be like to have someone hold me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. But then I orgasm and everything is back to chill. So here it is.