Love, Me

Everyday Legends

Yesterday, I went on the most epic of journeys. One that made a hero to every man, woman, and non-binary creature alike. I fought terrifying demons and served their heads on a platter. Would you like to know what my journey was?

I canceled my fucking gym membership. 

Now if you're a gym rat or have never had a gym membership I wouldn't expect you to understand. However, I know there is a percentage of you out there who understand my pain. It is for you folk that I went on this most perilous journey.  

In all realness though, gym memberships are the slimiest, sneakiest, most Rumplestiltskin contracts you can sign. 3 years ago I signed up for a gym membership to a gym.....we'll call it "Plassnet Fitness." When I realized I wouldn't use the membership like I thought I would (I can count on 2 hands how many times I went to that gym in the past 3 years) I tried to cancel it. But lo and behold! You have to be a member for at least a year before you can cancel. If you want to cancel before then you have to pay nearly $100 in buyout fees. They make sure to make you keep the membership long enough and the payment low enough that you forget about it. When you do remember it, you think "Oh, it's just $22, I'll get around to it next month." 

Oh, and cancelling is not as easy as a phone call or the click of a button on the interwebs. No, you have to go into a location to cancel. If you are cancelling, you must cancel at the location you signed up with. Unless of course, you sign up for their premium membership, then you get to cancel wherever you want but only after you give them lots of money. Well, yesterday after 3 long years and a whopping $3,432 later, I journeyed into the demon's lair. Bards will sing of my victories. 

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The young knight stepped from her automatic stallion and glared up at the building looming before her. She was known to always pay her debts but this evil place had gone too far. Straightening her back, she marched into the God-forsaken establishment.

Fear ensconced itself in her trembling heart as the double doors slid open to reveal three demons guarding the palace of torture. The purple equipment screaming at her to run before they tell her she could lose a few pounds. Stopping at the desk she strengthened her resolve and smirked at the bulking demons whose eyes went wide as she slowly reached for her coin purse.

*shhhing!* The card rang with horrifying power as she brandished it in the air and exclaimed, "By the power of Grayskull! CANCEL.MY.MEMBERSHIP!"

Thus, the duel began. Armed only with her wit, she fought off buyout fees, special offers, and reverse psychology! She met them blow for blow, until all three demons gasped for air under her complete and total understanding of the terms and conditions!

One of the demons stumbled back and gasped in horror, "she even read the fine print!"

With trembling fingers the leader pressed "cancel", a single tear rolled down his cheek as he firmly told her, "Your membership has been successfully cancelled." There was a glint of pride in his eyes as he watched the young hero march out of the hell den.

Buzzing with power, the young girl looked at her list. Crossing off "gym membership" a smirk overtook her features, "Today Planet Fitness, Tomorrow, Zen-Yoga."

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Love, Me

Huzzah!