Letters to Audrine

22- It's Not Fair

I spend the rest of the day, and most of the day after, painting in the studio with Silas sitting in front of me so that I can study his face and get all of the shadows and angles perfect. He was right- he makes a great model.

"As much as I love staring at you, I think I need to go home soon," I eventually tell him as I'm approaching a good stopping spot. I really wish I could stay here for the rest of eternity, staring at him and painting him, but I haven't showered in two days and I want some clean underwear.

"I have to work tonight anyway, so I suppose that it's for the best," he sighs, sounding very disappointed. "Can I see what it looks like so far?"

"No," I say quickly. "It's not done."

I feel so much more like myself with an easel in front of me, it's like a calming massage for my soul after two months of strenuous activity. I don't want to stop, and I feel like the painting of Silas is going really well, but we aren't joined at the hip and we do have separate things that we need to do.

"When can I see it then?" he sounds impatient.

"When I finish it, Silas," I laugh at him as I'm putting away all of the paints that I've been using today. He sulks out of the room, and I follow him.

Back in his bedroom, I put on the dress that I'd come here in two days ago and make sure that I have all of my things with me.

"I wish I could keep you here forever," Silas mumbles as he's kissing me goodbye. I don't know if he's talking about here as in France, or here as in this house.

"Well, I stink, and I need to wash my hair," I remind him. "And don't tell me that I can wash my hair here, because if you ask me to wash my hair with the 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner in that shower, I will lose my mind."

"It works just fine," he says with a laugh.

"It blows my mind how natural selection hasn't taken you out yet," I tease him with a disgusted look on my face. As much as I love spending time with Silas, no boy is worth using 2-in-1 hybrids on my hair. I don't take immaculate care of my long hair, but that is one thing I'll never do.

"Okay, fine. Go shower with your fancy two bottles of hair care," he gives up quickly and kisses me one last time. "Text me when you get home, butt smasher."

"I will," I promise him as I'm leaving.

We hadn't discussed staying or leaving France since two nights ago when that conversation just ended with a lot of kissing, and other things. I don't think we really came to a conclusion. I haven't even come to a conclusion.

It was easy, when I was staring at Silas right in the eyes and he was looking at me so intensely, telling me how much I meant to him and how badly he wanted me to stay. It was so easy to believe that I could stay here with him and give up on Brown. Give up on everything that I've spent my entire life working for.

Not only that, but living across the world from my entire family sounds... impossible. My parents are always there for me in their own way, and I'm not sure how I'd survive without the safety net of my parents there to help me when I fuck up. Would they even want to be there for me if I decided to stay here? They're usually pretty good at being supportive, but that was before I realized that I didn't have to do exactly as they say every step of every day.

Would they disown me if I didn't go to Brown in the fall? Even though if I did stay here, it wouldn't be completely because of Silas, I know that my mom wouldn't see it that way. She'd think that I was just throwing away my dreams for a boy. But is it my dream? Being honest with myself, I felt pretty neutral about Brown, and I always have. I never cared if I went, or if I didn't. That doesn't sound like the way to live your life though. You shouldn't feel neutral about your own life, you should feel passion and drive.

I don't want to make the same mistake that my grandfather did, but I can understand why he made the choice that he did. He didn't want to disappoint his parents, just like I don't want to disappoint mine. They've done so much for me, and if I stayed in France with Silas, it would destroy everything they've worked so hard for.

My mom wouldn't have the support at the company that she's expecting, and she'll continue to have to work as hard as she does now until my brother decides if he wants to join the company to help take a load off of her. I know she won't want to hire outside help, as one of the core values of the company is that it's a family run business.

There is so much at stake with my decision, and it's not just a matter of what I want in this moment. What's best for my family? For my future? I have no idea. Every time I think I've made my decision, I start to wobble again.

I want advice, but there's nobody that can give me advice about this. Silas and Audrine will tell me to stay, my family will tell me to go back home. There is no unbiased third party to talk to. This is something that I need to decide on my own, but it's a big decision that'll probably affect the rest of my life.

When I get home, I text Silas quickly before getting into the shower. I think more about my decision once I'm under the shower's hot water, feeling like I have my best and most honest thoughts in the shower. Even as I'm contemplating and washing my body, I still have no idea what the best decision is.

I start thinking about how sad I feel for Audrine and my grandpa, and how many what-ifs they've both had to live with since that summer together so many years ago. I know that if I leave in a month as planned without seeing where things could go with Silas, I'm going to live my life the exact same way. I will always wonder what would have happened if I stayed.

But if I do stay, won't I have those what-ifs about what would have happened if I went to Brown as planned? Either way, there are going to be what-ifs. And it's not like my grandpa or Audrine led terrible lives because they didn't end up with each other. They both had great families, lived long and happy lives. Audrine's dreams have come true with opening her own restaurant, and my grandpa's dream of having a big family came true too.

I read his journal, and I just can't understand how on Earth he left Audrine. If he loved her as much as he says in his journal, how could he have ever gotten on that plane? But now as I'm facing the same dilemma, I think that I understand it a lot more. It's not as easy as it sounds on paper.

Since this journal is all I have of my grandpa, I sit on the floor of my hotel room and open up to some of the last pages that he had written in, just to see what he was thinking toward the end of his trip.

My parents want to leave for Nevada tomorrow. I'm not ready to leave Audrine, but they already bought the plane tickets. In my mind, I've thought up about a thousand ways to tell them that I want to stay here to be with her. However, when it comes to facing my father to really tell him, the words just don't come out. They're depending on me back home to take the reigns, and my brother is far too young. When I look at Audrine, her soft and beautiful face, the words don't come either when I try to tell her that I can't stay.

I want to stay. More than anything, I want to plant my feet in the soil and grow roots like a tree. I want to give Audrine the family that she wants, the restaurant that she wants. I want all of her dreams to come true, and I want to be there with her when they do. I don't care about Henlock Consulting, but I do care about my parents. They had started out with nothing and spent their entire lives creating this company. I can't let it all go to waste. Audrine will understand.

Once my brother is old enough, I can come back and we'll be together. I can find a way to make this work where everybody is happy. I have to, because I cannot imagine my life without Audrine, but I also cannot imagine my life without my family.

But then I think that, if my parents really love me, wouldn't they want me to find my happiness wherever that may be? Even if it means the company doesn't stay within the family, or he has to wait longer to retire while he waits for my brother to age enough? Shouldn't my wants and needs also be part of their equation? It's not fair that I have to give up the one thing that I've ever cared about, just to make my parents happy. It's not fair.

Those are the last words in his journal, and I don't find them to be that helpful. No, Grandpa, it's not fair. That's just the cards that we've both been dealt. I leave and hurt Silas or I stay and I hurt my family. There is no easy way out, there is no right answer.