Letters to Audrine

7- Only Little Pain

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Silas asks me that same day as we are driving to Nice. According to him, the closest tattoo shop is in the city, and it's just about a thirty minute drive from Ladaux.

I don't know why getting a tattoo was my first thought after I woke up from that realistic dream about my grandpa, and I also don't know why it's the only thing that I've been able to think about since, but I know that it's the right decision, and I feel like it's something that I need to do.

I don't really believe in ghosts or an afterlife, but I somehow believe that it's my grandpa who is telling me to get this tattoo.

"I'm sure," I tell him as I'm looking out the window. "I know this sounds stupid, but I think my grandpa wants me to do it."

"That doesn't sound stupid," he assures me. "Why the sudden need to do it now though?"

"I had a weird dream," I lay back and close my eyes. "I don't know, it's hard to explain."

"You don't have to explain it. Grief can manifest itself in weird ways," he sounds so calm as he drives, even though I think that he can clearly tell that I'm a bit agitated. A little bit of that is nerves about getting a needle driven into my skin, but a lot of it is just how much that dream shook me.

"Yeah," I agree with him. "And thank you for coming with me. I don't think that I'd be able to get my idea across to the artist if they don't speak English."

"No problem. I wasn't doing anything today anyway, and I think that this will be interesting," he says with a small smile. "My first tattoo wasn't so bad, so I think that you'll be okay."

"You have tattoos?" I question him, because I've never seen any. He's wearing a plain white t-shirt right now, with jeans, and that's about as much of his skin that I've seen, so I guess that's not so shocking.

"I have two," Silas says, but leaves it at that. "The second one was worse."

"I'm not that worried about the pain," I don't know if I'm lying or not, but saying it out loud makes it feel true. "I think I'm more worried about my mom's reaction."

"Well, I guess now is the perfect time to get it done then, right? On the other side of the world where she can't really do anything about it," he jokes. "Are you going to get it somewhere she can't see it?"

"I'm going to get it here," I run my fingers along the inside of my forearm. "So only if I wear long sleeves for the rest of my life."

"That should be easy," Silas says with a laugh. "You decided on all of this pretty quickly. You sure you don't want to sleep on it for a little bit? The tattoo shop will still be there in a week."

"I'm sure," I tell him for the second time during this car ride. "I know it's stupid to get a tattoo on such a whim but it just feels right. It feels like the right thing to do. I know that I sound crazy."

"You do sound a little bit crazy," he admits. "But tattoos are a rather harmless way to deal with losing somebody. When my mom died, I started stealing beer from petrol stations and I was only fifteen."

"Oh my god," I say out loud, because I didn't know his mom was dead and I suddenly feel terrible for talking all about my own grief when I had no idea that he had his own. Although I don't really think I did anything wrong, I still feel guilty anyway. "I had no idea, I'm so sorry."

"It was a long time ago. Sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me," Silas is quick to apologize. "But maybe it helps that I know what you're going through right now. So even though getting an impulsive tattoo sounds crazy, I get it."