The Existence I Crave

1

Virginia Woolf once said, "I am in the mood to dissolve in the sky.". I've never had one sentence touch my soul as this one had. It was as if this one simple sentence had been written about me, I could feel the words seeping their way further into my mind, imprinting themselves into every little crevice they could find.

The words had such a beautiful ring to them, don't you think. The idea that one could just simply dissolve, to disappear, was something that I wished I could do. Dissolving had to be better than the life I was living right now, hell anything had to be better than what I was going through right now.

Sighing I rolled onto my side, pulling my comforter over my head. It was currently four in the morning, and I still couldn't sleep, I was exhausted, but my body had other plans for me. So what do I do, I do the only logical thing any sleep-deprived person does, I reflect on all the bad shit that has happened to me.

My life hadn't always been this bad, it used to be semi-good, but everything went to shit after she met him. Him being my stepfather Kevin, my mom married him ten years after the death of my father. Dad passed away fourteen years ago from a car crash, I was only four when he died, sadly I can't remember him as well as I used to, but one thing I do remember is how depressed my mom was until she met Kevin.

At first, things were awkward between us. I was fourteen when we met for the first time, I saw him as someone who was trying to replace my father. I was mad at my mother as well, I remember yelling at her about how she didn't love dad anymore, and how she was trying to replace him with some guy she barely knew. I had stormed off to my room, sulking, when Kevin had come up to my room to talk to me.

He came in, sat down on my bed, and said he wanted to talk with me, man to man. I listened to him talk, he let me voice my thoughts, made me feel safe as he comforted me, I eventually warmed up to him. Half of it was because I liked him and the other half was due to seeing how happy he made my mother, I hadn't seen her smile that in years.

They married two years later, they were even expecting a baby, a little girl named Jenifer, but when mom hit her last month things turned and not for the better. Mom had to be rushed to the emergency room one night after collapsing in the kitchen while making dinner. The doctor said she was suffering from preeclampsia, and they had no other choice but to go ahead and deliver the baby, after hours of sitting in the waiting room the doctor finally came out to let us know how everything had gone.

One thing I noticed though was the grim expression on the doctor's face as he made his way towards us and judging by Kevin's expression I wasn't the only one who had noticed it either. Once the doctor had reached us he gave us the bad news, Jenifer hadn't made it, and mom was in critical condition.

That's when things turned for the worse, mom once again fell into a deep depression, while Kevin never really came home anymore, and when he was home he was always shit-faced. It seemed like all they did was fight 24/7, it got so bad at times that the cops had been called more than once.

It was four days before my 17th birthday when mom left us, she and Kevin got into one of their fights again, she started screaming about how she couldn't do this anymore, how she was tired of living in hell. She went upstairs, packed her bags, didn't even say bye or even give me one glance, and left.

I had been convinced that I was going to get kicked out of the house, but surprisingly Kevin never did, I wish he had. I wish my mom had cared enough about me to take me with her, I wish she never met him, I wish my father was still here.

"Get your ass up, it's time for school," Kevin yelled out after slamming my door open, causing me to bolt into a sitting position.

"Get dressed." with that he slammed my door shut, leaving me there feeling confused.