My Dirty Little Secret

Chapter Eight

Just when I thought I'd taken five huge steps forward with Miss Chandler, she took about ten back. She'd opened up to me that morning - hadn't she? She'd talked to me about relationships, and that indicated that she felt close to me. She'd touched my hand. And I swear, I solemnly swear, that we almost kissed.

I kept thinking that it had all been in my head. I knew how sweet she was, and the hand was probably just in her nature. The almost-kiss could have been nothing, except my fantasies surfacing themselves in my head. And still, something made me think that I hadn't been making it up. I didn't know what that something was.

But that same day, after we'd talked, she barely looked at me. We didn't talk in study, or in English class. And at practice, it was like I wasn't even there. Of course, I wondered if I'd done something wrong. Had I gone too far in asking what was wrong? Had I overstepped my boundaries? Of course I had. It was none of my business. I'd screwed everything up.

"Okay, everybody sit except for this stunting group," Miss Chandler said that day at practice. She was working with one group individually who needed help, so the rest of us sat on the bleachers, got water, and watched. I couldn't focus on cheering; mostly, I just wondered what I'd done wrong.

As I watched, Miss Chandler was stepping in for their backspot. She counted to two, then put her hands around the waist of her flyer...and tightened her grip...

I wanted to wring that girl's neck. The jealousy was unbearable. I wanted so badly to be in that position, but I knew I was in the exact opposite one. Not only was I not there for her to touch, but she wasn't even talking to me. I was angry, and upset, and so, so, jealous...

Then, the next thing I knew, I was covered in water. I realized I'd squeezed my bottle so hard I'd blown the cap off.

"Holy shit!" I yelled instinctively, and the girls stunting all looked confused. They let their flyer down, as I stood up, trying to shake the water off of myself.

"What happened?" Miss Chandler asked, obviously referring to my sudden outburst.

"My water exploded" I said. 

"How?" she asked.

"I don't know," I said. "It just happened" That was a lie. It had popped because I'd been holding it so tightly. I'd been holding it so tightly because she wasn't holding me and it drove me crazy.

"Okay, let's call it a day," she said. "Chelsea, you need to change. You're going to get pneumonia."

Everyone started walking out, and she walked towards me. So now you want to acknowledge my existence, I thought, but said nothing. 

When we were alone again, she asked "So what's really up?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, playing dumb. "It broke."

"It's not just that," she said. "You seem angry about something."

"How do you know?"

"I was watching you all day," she said, then inhaled sharply as if she wanted to take it back.

A smile found its way onto my face. It was relaxing, considering I'd spent the day in a permanent scowl. "You were?"

"Well, I mean...Not just...I wasn't...Not because..."

I raised an eyebrow, amused as I watched her put her foot in her mouth. "Right."

"I just noticed you didn't seem yourself," she decided on.

"Well you didn't either," I said. "Because I was watching you too. And you've hardly said two words. At least, to me."

"I'm fine," she lied.

"There's something going on," I persisted. I wanted to know why she'd been freezing me out.

"It's not something I can talk to you about."

"You can talk to me about anything," I offered.

"No," she said. "No, not this."

"Try me," I said. "You might be surprised."

"You are so myopic sometimes," she mused, running a hand through her hair.

"How so?" I asked, confused.

"There's just...It's not like there's no reason I haven't talked to you all day."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because," she pressed, unable to find words.

"Because why?"

"Because I almost kissed you, Chelsea."

I felt the entire world get a little bit brighter. So she had almost kissed me. My beautiful English teacher, the woman I wanted so badly...had actually wanted me too.

"I knew it," I said smugly, looking up at her worried eyes.

"I just, I knew it was wrong, so I freaked out I guess. I figured I'd gotten too close, so I tried to distance myself."

"You don't have to do that," I said.

"I do, though," she explained. "I have a girlfriend. And even if I didn't, you're my student, and you're only seventeen, and..."

I laughed. She was freaking out. "Shh," I said. "You're overreacting."

"Overreacting? This is underreacting."

"Why?" I asked. "It's no big deal."

"Do you realize what I almost did?" she asked incredulously.

"Yeah," I said, "I do. And it's fine. You can kiss who you want to kiss. You just have to be careful who finds out."

I couldn't believe myself. Was I suggesting she cheat on her girlfriend with me? I was going to hell.

"Are you saying that you wanted to kiss me too?" 

I smiled. She didn't miss a thing. Boldly, I admitted, "Since the very first day."

She took my hands, interlacing her fingers with mine. I felt that fire that never failed to come when we touched. "You're sweet, Chelsea."

"So are you," I said, and meant it.

"You know that I can't get into anything with you right now..." she started, though her hands were saying otherwise.

I nodded. "It's all your decision."

She looked into my eyes for a minute, before she broke her stare and turned her attention to my sopping wet t-shirt, which now clung to my body like a second skin. I was probably freezing, but I still felt hot. "You're soaking, Chelsea," she laughed. "Go home."

"I will," I said, breaking the touch even though it killed me. "Bye, Miss Chandler."

I picked up my bag and started to leave. I was almost at the door, when she stopped me and opened it for me. 

"Brooke," she corrected, hitting the lights on her way out.