Look For Her

Chapter 1

  WARNING: this contains heavy angst and talks about suicide, grief, and death.

"Why...Why am I here?", she frantically looked around, confusion and panic written all over her face. It was as if it was her first time here, but it wasn't.

"Why am I in your room, Chaewon-unnie? What did you do?", she said and finally looked at me.

"Listen, Minjoo. Listen to me first, please. Calm down", I spoke as I tried to stop and reach out to her closer, but was cut off when she abruptly stepped back and looked at my hand like it would burn her. She refused to look at me again.

"Don't. Don't touch me. You can't...You can't", she tried to sound serious, but her eyes gave it away, even if her eyes stayed glued to the floor. It was the first time I saw her like this, vulnerable and it looked as if she was about to cry.

"Why not? Why can't I?", I tried very hard to ask without sounding like I was about to cry too but failed miserably. She finally looked at me again.

The room was filled with this heavy atmosphere as it took her quite a while to answer.

"Because I'm dead, unnie", she dejectedly answered me with something I already knew, I was afraid of what she had to say next and kept quiet.

"You have to let me go."

If I knew that something this painful would happen in my own room while I was with the friend I cherished the most, I would've done things differently 2 months ago.

"It won't hurt to tidy up a bit, unnie.", I was watching my favorite series 'Sweet Home' and munching on a bag of chips when I heard her annoying voice as she barged into my room like it was hers again.

"It won't hurt to shut up, Minjoo.", I retorted.

I heard her sigh and start to rummage through my things like she usually does when she comes. I continued watching the series and let her clean the place as she murmured some very very kind words which were clearly directed to me.

"You're like a helpless child who needs my guidance and care in navigating this world.", she said before grabbing each clothing that she finds on the floor and throwing it at me.

"Sorry, Mom.", I replied sarcastically but my eyes never left the screen. I continued to watch the series, ignoring her while she complains.

"Darn it, Kim Chaewon! Even your underwear?", my eyes widened at what she said. I abruptly stood up and grabbed my underwear before shoving them into the closet.

"Why are you trying to hide it? I already saw your polka dots-", I groaned and cut her off.

"Shut up.", I said before changing the topic and going back to bed.

"What are you even doing here? Shouldn't you be studying for the entrance exam?", I asked her.

"Why study? I'm just gonna fail anyway.", she deadpanned.

"Coming from you, huh?", I asked mockingly. She would always tell me that she doesn't care about such things like she doesn't rank high in school.

"Hey, it's not like I'm the one who ranks first in school all the time and I barely even see you study. You're always watching your precious TV shows, yet you've never failed, not even once.", she retorted before sitting on my bed and grabbing a handful of chips and shoving them into her mouth, leaving me with nothing but the crumbs. I glared at her but she didn't seem bothered at all as she made herself comfortable on my bed.

She grabbed the remote from my hand and changed it to a different show. I rolled my eyes in annoyance and kicked her off the bed.

She groaned and stood up from the floor while using the edge of the bed as support, looking at me with so much anger and annoyance as she did so. It was the exact same look she gave me when we met 12 years ago. When I was six, my parents would force me to go to the playground so that I could socialize with kids my age even though it was clear that it was the last thing I wanted. The town's playground was always so noisy and full of snotty kids that would fall on the ground every 5 seconds that passes. The kids were unappealing so I spent most of time sitting on this one specific swing and would only leave when it was time to go home. One day, I was sitting on the swing, looking down past the rows of trees and the kids racing down the slide, when a girl wearing a yellow sundress, carrying a handmade frog toy, caught my attention. I had quite an eye for handmade toys, so I was intrigued by what she was playing with. I really don't like talking to other kids but I badly wanted to borrow the toy. I was hesitant to approach her but I gathered all my courage and dragged myself in her direction.