Expectations // Soukoku

15 // Cloudy dreams over the river

On today's agenda: Aftermath of last chapters cliffhanger, Dazai's tutor, Shin Soukoku :)

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Never had Dazai thought his life would reach a new low. He had previously thought his life before meeting Chuuya was as bad as it was going to get but it only went downhill after the night his mum came into the room unannounced. And what a steep hill it was too.

It would be an underestimation to say that Dazai's parents dictated his life. Sometimes he felt like they lived it for him. Sure, he forgot all about that when with Chuuya but he could remember it clearer than ever when he heard those words: "Stay away from that kid." Any illusions of freedom were gone, he couldn't go against his parents.

One would think that Dazai's parents wouldn't have this much control over their son who was living separately, but they had their ways. And worse, Dazai knew that an ignored worded warning was followed by physical punishment. That, he had learned from experience.

Under the deception of freedom, he had thought that he would be able to dismiss the idea of getting a tutor, but now that the utopian image had been shattered to pieces, Dazai knew better than to count on his father listening to him. How fun.

Dazai did not know what lengths his parents were willing to go for his grades or crumbling heterosexuality and he did not intend to find out. Obeying and staying away would be the best for him and Chuuya. It was painful to turn a blind eye to the newfound sun of his world, but he knew it was for the best.

Only after distancing himself from Chuuya did Dazai realise how much the quality of his life was impacted by one person. Everything was as mundane as before now. Just as black and white. All mornings felt the same, there was nothing to look forward to, each new day just as uninteresting as the last. Everything was just school, school, school. Always studying. The same cycle of trying to meet his parents' expectations.

But, perhaps, the most excruciating moment was the first day of avoiding Chuuya. When Dazai had arrived at school, Chuuya had rushed to him with worry written all over his face and asked if everything was fine. It wasn't, everything was not fine, but Dazai couldn't express this. Turning away from Chuuya and saying absolutely nothing was more painful than anything he could remember. No, there was one thing even more painful, walking away as Chuuya called after him.

In the classes they shared Dazai tried to sit as far away as he could. He hoped Chuuya would get the memo and go back to his friends, he had many after all. Dazai did not. He didn't have anyone to go back to. It was the first time he realised how lonely he had been all along.

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He feared that once the tutoring started, it would get worse. Surprisingly, it didn't. He thought the tutor would be some old professor sent by his parents but it turned out to be the top student of his class, Kunikida Doppo. Kunikida was an idealist, he strove for perfection. Dazai thought his temper was too bad to be a tutor but it only made teasing him more fun. Aside from his temper, Kunikida was very smart and excellent at maths — all subjects actually, but maths was the one he felt the proudest of.

The first time they met was in the library a week after Dazai had started avoiding Chuuya. Kunikida was already impatiently tapping on the table when Dazai arrived. His dirty blond hair was tied in a tight ponytail and his squared glasses sat neatly on his refined nose bridge, he still wore the school uniform. He then proceeded to complain about Dazai's lack of punctuality, which was uncalled for, really, since he was only around five minutes late. Dazai simply laughed it off and slumped down to the chair opposite of him.