How can I without her?

5 Years - Pt 4

1 year 6 months... 

The first six months after the first year wasn't too bad. Nat was still getting into her new daily schedule. 

Wake up. Run. Train. Shoot. Rehydrate. Sit. Sleep. 

It wasn't too complicated. But it was hard because she couldn't, she wouldn't cry anymore. She had to keep strong and keep a straight face. Which was soon becoming the slightest of a fraction easier. Since everyone on the team had left her by now, she had to step up. Nat woke up at the brink of dawn to run, and train in the early afternoon...She really missed it...She missed the feeling when she trained and jogged where she felt calm and at peace. Especially when she went to shooting practice in the afternoon, even though she didn't need it. Doing so, kept her busy and her mind peaceful, so there was no room to feel depressed and sulk around thinking about Wanda. 

Nat wasn't eating still, and when she did, it was the smallest of portions, but she was drinking water sometimes, so that was good. She still looked like the same lonely little from over a year ago. 

The only thing that had changed about her, was her hair. It had an odd ombre to it. Nat's hair was starting to grow back to her natural red. The scalp was getting redder and redder by the month whereas the rest was still white-blonde. She wanted to let it be red again...her mama's favourite colour. 

Now that everyone was gone, she felt even more lonely. No matter how much she hated it, it was kind of nice to hear people's voices, pulling her out of her own thoughts. Steve came ever so often, he was always leading that therapy group. Trying to help himself with his guilt and I guess help others with their grief. [We all know he wasn't doing it to just help everyone else lol]

Ever since last year, when Nat packed Wanda's things away, she wanted them more and more. So she came up with an idea. One piece a month. 

 So she allowed herself to choose one piece of Wanda's clothing for a month. If it got dirty, or if she had an accident and it had to get washed, she couldn't go and get another one. Even if it was at the beginning of the month, she had to restrain herself. Nat would usually get a shirt or hoodie because those were the pieces of clothing that when she wore it, it was close to her face, but there were some months where she got sweatpants and shorts because she didn't want to use up all the shirts and hoodies. 

 Definitely one of the worst things about the second year was the yearly sickness. Nat didn't have Wanda helping making her feel better or taking care of her. The first year when Wanda die-disappeared...Even though Nat knew Wanda wasn't coming back she still didn't like using the word 'dead' or 'died'. The year Wanda disappeared Nat was lucky enough to not catch the cold or the flu. But she couldn't say the same for this year. 

She jumped out of bed and ran to the toilet, earlier that night she went to bed not even feeling the slightest bit good. Nat spent the rest of the day moving from their-her bed to the toilet. It definitely wasn't enjoyable because she wasn't able to cuddle up with her mama when she returned to their-her bed...It was now just her bed...When she caught a cold, Wanda wasn't there to make sure she was taking care of herself, and keeping hydrated. 

That entire year wasn't awful, or terrible. The only good thing that came out of it, was Nat was getting used to the independence again. Just like from years ago. She wasn't crying as much, considering she was now alone alone. She knew there was no point in continuing to ball her eyes out over something that cannot be undone, but obviously there were still those night, it just wasn't daily anymore. She stopped crying over the smallest conveniences, even though she thought that was because of her lack of slipping. The slipping was still the hardest part. Nat went from slipping everyday to not at all...other than her accidental slips.