[M] DO IT FOR THE FANS [YEONBIN]

9. Complicated

A smile of relief decorated Yeonjun's face. It was the first genuine smile that Soobin had seen from him in days. It made him smile too, suddenly feeling a little bit more confident himself.

"Okay", Yeonjun continued to smile, alternating between looking at Soobin and around the room. He exhaled through his mouth and let out a chuckle. "Alright." He was talking to himself, now putting his palms together and slightly rocking back and forth on his tip-toes.

Soobin's heart felt so light the whole room suddenly seemed very bright.

He said it, he smiled to himself, much like Yeonjun was doing. This is really happening.

Yes, he knew what everything that had happened the past couple of days meant. But hearing it so clearly from Yeonjun himself still felt like a dream.

For a moment, Soobin's mind teleported to an imaginary scenario where he was a normal boy that just got a confession from his crush. In this happy place, he would take several steps forward, hold the smiling hyung's hand inside his own, and tell him that he had been in love with him since forever.

Since forever?, Yeonjun would ask, his eyes peeking curiously through his bangs.

At first it was just a crush that I could totally ignore. But then I started malfunctioning whenever you were not present. I couldn't concentrate on the training when you were there, but it was even worse when you weren't.

Yeonjun would chuckle and rest is forehead against Soobin's.

Oh, yeah? I realized I was in love with you the first time Huening Kai kissed you on the cheek and I almost punched him.

Soobin would giggle, letting the other's hands go to put his own arms around Yeonjun's neck. It would look a little bit weird because he was taller, but who cares?

You know that's just for show, right?

Yeah, I know. It took me some time to get used to it, though.

I've only had eyes for you since I met you, Yeonjun.

The elder would rest his hands on Soobin's hips, closing his eyes and softly caressing the younger's nose with his own, both of them smiling.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was afraid...

Afraid of what...?

Imaginary Soobin froze, as imaginary Yeonjun's figure started to lose its shape.

Afraid of losing it all.

Soobin frowned, and the brightness of the room was washed out by the natural dim light that came through the window. His gaze darkened.

The real Yeonjun was still in front of him, his mouth still slightly curved as he chewed on his lower lip. When their eyes met again, the elder's smile disappeared slowly. He took some steps backwards until he hit the bed, and then sat down.

There was a long pause.

Yeonjun opened and closed his mouth several times while looking at his own feet. Finally, he tilted his head backwards and looked at Soobin, who was still leaning against the door.

"It's complicated, huh?", the elder smirked.

"Yeah."

Yeonjun tapped with his fingers on the mattress.

"What now?"

Soobin raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He was getting upset for some reason. He ran his tongue over his front teeth, and let out another sigh.

"Nothing", he said coldly.

"What do you mean nothing?", Yeonjun insisted with an inquisitive look.

"I mean exactly that. I asked you before, but what were you expecting, exactly? Dates? Kisses? Becoming the first ever gay couple in K-pop?"

Soobin's tone was bitter.

Yeonjun's mouth dropped slightly. He was losing his cool.

"I'm trying to figure that out, okay? I've been trying to ignore these feelings for months. They won't go away, and they get stronger every day. There are moments when I feel like I'm losing my mind..."

The younger laughed sarcastically in response, his guard up once again.

"Welcome to my world for the last couple of years." He rolled his eyes.

Yeonjun paused, eyes wide. "Years...?"

Soobin tsked, getting even more upset.

"Look, you may be new to being gay, but gay or straight I don't think I need to tell you who we are and what we do for a living."

Yeonjun lowered his gaze, and his body seemed to reduce its size all of a sudden.

"I KNOW! I know...", he covered his face with his hands, "I know...", he repeated, "But I've been trying. I really have. You know I take our job as seriously as you do. But... you're the only thing I can think about. The only reason why I can still concentrate at work is because you're part of this group and I want us to be successful... I want you to be successful. The only moments I feel genuinely happy are those when I hangout with you. I--", he paused, removing his hands from his face and looking at his palms, "I've started thinking I don't want to be an idol anymore."

Soobin knew what the other meant. He himself thought about it every single day. He created scenarios in his mind where they both quit the K-Pop industry and ran away together. Because it would probably be impossible for them to have a happy life in South Korea after that, they moved abroad, somewhere where people didn't know them, and they lived normal lives with normal jobs in a small apartment and struggled to pay rent every month but figured it out together every time...

Their endless opportunities to meet powerful celebrities, travel anywhere and everywhere, experience things every day that most people don't even get to see in a lifetime, being internationally recognized and praised, making amounts of money beyond their wildest dreams, influencing people in amounts larger than they could wrap their heads around... Everything would be gone in the blink of an eye, as if it was never there.

But every single day, there were at least a couple of minutes where Soobin's feelings took over his brain and he thought that'd be okay.

"Yeonjun, we all go through that. If you are getting symptoms of depression you should ask the director to send the counselor over, like Taehyun did."

Mental disorders were far from uncommon inside the K-Pop industry, and although trainees and idols' mental health didn't get nearly as much attention as necessary, the TXT members had to attend talks about the topic periodically.

Yeonjun clenched his fists around the sheets and his lips trembled.

Don't cry, Yeonjun. Please.

"I'm sorry if I sound cold", Soobin tried to soften his own words. "I've been thinking about this and repressing my feelings for a long time..." Seeing that no reaction came from the other, he added: "I'm kind of used to it by now."

Soobin's heart ached so bad that it seemed impossible for the happiness he was feeling just minutes before to even exist.

Yeonjun looked away, nodding with his head.

"Soobin? Just once...?", Yeonjun whispered, shyly extending his arms in front of him, still not looking the other in the eye. "Away from the cameras..."

Many layers deep inside Soobin's brain, something triggered an imaginary sequence where he ran to the other's arms and kissed him. After all, no one would know.

"I'm sorry", said the real Soobin, trying very hard so his voice wouldn't quaver, and turned around to exit the room. "Take any shirt you want."