The Moon and Stars

ONE

Just hold on, just hold on, just hold on. It'll be over soon. Just hold on, just hold on, just hold on.

These words that I repeat to myself habitually, eventually cease to serve as any anchor to my stress. As things stand now I feel that this will never end. I will be stuck here forever. The cowardly, empty shell of a boy who never knew what he had until it was lost. I will forever be the boy who stood only for hatred and sat down on the devil's throne as everything he'd ever know crumbled to the ground. These words hold no meaning to me, but they remain stuck in my mind, echoing the same useless affirmations again and again. I can only wish that I could hold the torch used to burn my life away, to incinerate those words from my mind. I can't hold on, and it will never be over.

***

I was sitting in my room early that morning, twiddling with the ring on my finger. I was lost in my own head, thinking of everything that my life could've been. I was so sure that this was the best decision for me- for my family. But I am no longer so sure. I knew that taking the mark was punishment, from Voldemort to my father. I thought, however, that he would face the opposite outcome once I finished my assignment.

I wanted to make him proud. He always told me that I had to make myself worthy of the Malfoy name. I thought that if I were to kill Dumbledore, our family's position would be restored and we could climb up in Voldemort's ranks- get back in his good graces. However, when I failed to accomplish my mission, we fell even lower in his ranks.

Ever since then, my life was a living hell. My family had taken in several Death Eaters, as well as the Dark Lord, himself. We had been hiding out in our Manor for months. After Voldemort gained control over the Ministry, Death Eaters who went under the title of 'Snatchers' were allowed to pick up witches and wizards who were in favor of Muggle/Wizard unity in the Wizarding World and bringing them to Malfoy Manor for bounties.

Charity Burbage was the first person I had watched die at the hands of Voldemort. She had been strung up in mid-air by Voldemort's magic and, after being mocked and ridiculed, she was struck with the killing curse. When her corpse dropped to the ground, Voldemort let Nagini feast on her carcass.

All of that, every element of my life. It makes me wish that I had never taken the mark, never taken my father's word, never displayed his behaviors. Maybe if I hadn't acted like such a twat towards my schoolmates, I would be hidden somewhere else right now. Somewhere safe. Warm. Somewhere protected from homicidal psychopaths that believe their blood status makes them any better than the next person.

As I continued on with my thoughts, I heard a small few knocks on my bedroom door. A small pattern of knock, knockknock, knock. Barely loud enough to be heard, but that pattern gave the knocker away. I sprang up from my bed and opened the door slowly. She gave me a small smile, but she stayed as still as a statue, waiting for an invitation into my room. I nodded and opened the door wider.

She walked in and took a seat on the edge of my bed, just where I was sitting a few seconds ago. "How are you, darling?" she said with a plastered on smile. I could see the fear in her eyes and it made me worry for why she had come up for a visit.

My face remained emotionless and I closed the door with the hand I held behind my back. "Fine, mother. What made you decide to pay a visit? Figured one of those barbarians may have broken in and killed me like they do everyone else?"

Her smile faltered and her eyes grew wider. "You are in no danger, I've made sure of that." She now spoke with a more gravelly and hurt tone. I glared "But you haven't really, have you? Any day now, Voldemort could ask me to kill another. What if I'm not given preparation next time? What if he drops a civilian at my feet and asks me to do it? And what if I refuse? Could you-" I sighed in frustration. "-Would you protect me then?"