A Love as Hard as This

Chapter 35

Author's Note:
Sorry for waiting so long between chapters lately. It's just so sad now that I know that/when the book is ending, and every chapter is so much closer. Thank goodness for the sequel, I seriously don't know what I'd do without this book, it's been so much fun to think of a whole storyline!

Richelle's Perspective:

Emily came and took Noah's position, sitting on my bed in front of me. I smiled at her, genuinely glad that she was here. I never really expected anyone to be here.

Everyone at dance was always so distant with me, but not Emily. I always suspected it was because we had similar personalities, but I thought it was more than that now.

She looked after me, cared about me, like someone would care about their little sister. It'd always seemed like that before, now it was so much more apparent.

"Richelle?" she asked, gaining my attention back from my thoughts.

"Yes?" I said.

"I know."

I really had no words. She knew, and I knew exactly what she knew. She'd talked to the doctor, seen the results, all of it. "Oh," I mumbled, barely holding onto my breath as my chest caved in.

I didn't know what she would say. Would she yell at me? Would she laugh at me? Would she cry? I didn't think I could handle more emotions. I pulled my pillow out from under my lower back and buried my face in it, fighting the urge to scream.

"Noah...doe—"

"No." I answered simply, before she finished her question. There was no need for her to, I knew exactly what she was asking.

Emily was silent for a moment, then spoke out with an exasperated, "Why?"

"It wasn't my choice." I answered. "Believe me when I say that." I also knew that she knew who. I didn't need to tell her that information. It was bad enough to relive, speaking it would be...

"Why didn't you tell me sooner? Or anyone sooner? Your life, sweetheart. It's been so hard.." She was fighting back tears.

My answer was short, but true. "I didn't want pity. I didn't want anyone else to look at me and think that I wasn't strong, that I was broken. Sometimes it's better to be feared and unknown than pitied."

So many things had happened to me in the last few years. Months even. It was hard to deal with already. I never wanted people to struggle to understand my situation. Or accept me only because they felt sorry for me.

"One more question, Richelle." she said quietly.

"Spill."

"Why did you forgive Noah after what he did? I could've never done that."

Why did I forgive Noah? I barely even knew myself. Maybe because I needed him to physically keep myself together. Maybe because I knew he felt overwhelming regret for what he did, as did I. Maybe because now we were both broken people. That needed each other to be whole.

I repeated that to her, hanging my head. To my immense surprise, she lifted it up gently, put her other hand on my shoulder, and pulled me into a warm embrace.

Noah then knocked on the door. Emily stroked my cheek a final time and left the room, sensing that we needed time alone. Noah took her place—his former place—in front of me.

He took my hand, similar to the way he did this morning, and apologized sincerely again.  I shook my head, saying that he didn't need to apologize anymore. I knew.

"Shhh," I said, grabbing the back of his head and pulling him towards me to look at his eyes. They were glossy, same as mine. The shade of blue that I always thought about last every night, and first every morning.

"Richelle.." the doctor observed as he came into the room. "You're recovering remarkably well, almost like a miracle. You're almost ready to go home, just a few more tests. But you'll have to stay at home for at least a week and take it easy."

I smiled and asked, "When can I go back to dance?"

He frowned at first, but it was quickly replaced with a smile. "Soon."

In that moment, I felt like I could jump out of the bed with excitement if I were able to. The thought of going back to dance was.. indescribable.

——————

Emily dropped Noah and I off at my house about 3 hours later. When I struggled to get up the porch stairs, he put his hands under my legs and back and hoisted me up into his arms, bringing me all the way to the couch as if I weighed as much as a feather.

When he set me down, I felt a sudden urge. Desperate feelings, lust. I pulled him toward me by the collar of his shirt and placed a hungry kiss on his lips. It only escalated, getting more and more passionate until he was nearly on top of me, hovering as though not to hurt me.