Landslide

Cleansed

Gaga stared at the invitation to the party. The date was December 16th. 

It had a quote by William Blake:

"If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing that would appear to man as it is, Infinite."

Dreamy. White. Glitter. She looked at the dress that immediately caught her eye. A backless, crystal mesh dress with slits and a deep plunge that would look amazing on her. Of course she would go. She wanted to go. It was Sean Parker's, a billionaire investor, entrepreneur and philanthropist, who donated money to launch several foundations focusing on health and cancer immunology, and his wife, the singer-songwriter Alexandra Lena's combined birthday party. It wasn't gonna be just any party. A lot of people she liked and felt a connection to would be there. People who believed in health and civic engagement as well.

She had cleaned herself up, focused on her routines and eventually everyone stopped watching her behind her back. Appreciating their love and attention, she needed space and time to focus on herself. She needed them there, but on her own terms. For once in her life she wanted to be alone, to write down her thoughts and feelings. To create some kind of distance between what she felt now and then. 

She realized how deep into her own shit she had been and how it had numbed her. It was a miracle she was still alive and even then what happened a few days ago was not even on her list of things that made her feel like shit. She had been reckless, pushing herself to hard and her body said no. But it was some kind of wake up call. A way for her body and mind to tell her she needed to stop and listen to her own needs. To accept that she was drowning in her own character and that she started to hate herself because Stefani no longer had any space left. Lady Gaga was suffocating her. And everyone contributed.

The constant questions and subtle criticism, the remarks on her looks and – lack of – clothes, or not enough fashion. From the loudest fans came the harshest criticism, so she had basically stopped using her social media because it was never enough and always wrong even though she was exhausted. Now Bobby mostly sent her the positive feedback to keep some kind of update on how they reacted to things. 

It had become unbearable. At first she had been able to shake it off or take pride in the fact that they were giving her work so much attention that she always was the main subject around the table, but like a constant steady drip, drip, drip she eventually was sick of it. She had gotten into a huge fight with her mom, she was sick and tired of being the constant subject of conversation. You don't just snap out of depression.

And now it was all suddenly coming down on her. Pushing her darkest thoughts aside she had managed to get herself through Las Vegas, through the launch of Haus Labs – she hardly remembered it now, through Halloween – even if she still has some serious issues about that holiday and was morbid about it, Sarah's wedding was a nice distraction, all the time she was doing her best to bring out the character she knew would get her past everything. But after that, when it was over, and she was alone and started to panic again, who was she? Who had she become? Who did she want to be to feel good about herself?

Bo suddenly stood in the doorway with a plate and knife in her hand. "I figured you wanted a snack," she said and put the plate down on the table. A ripe mango, peeled and with the juicy bits cut in squares so Gaga could pick them off easily.

"Oh great, so you found me a boyfriend?" Gaga said and took the knife out of Bo's hand and started cutting the juicy bits off the skin peels.

"Can you be happy with the mango first of all?" Bo looked at the dress Gaga had picked and nodded. "It will look fantastic."

"You'll be my plus one," Gaga said with her mouth full and pointed at Bo.