Tethered

Fifteen || Reigns

{To Hell And Back ~ Maren Morris}

...When my demons come a-callin', you don't even bat an eye, I don't scare you, and I guess that's why... 

----

An aching heaviness in my bones shackles me down to the mattress. My body is screaming out what my brain is working hard to understand. I am woozy, a collapsing, unstable mess of memories in their scrambled, bitty pieces that rattle around inside me, trying to grasp hold of as much as I can. The more I try to speak, the more my grasping thoughts falter, slipping away. The more I want to scream, the more I disappear. 

Somewhere. Nowhere. Anywhere else but here. Away from me, from this room and the truth and the heaving weight that won't leave my chest. From the bruises and their trail, like hard kisses carved into stone. From my body and it's screaming, crying sort of ache. From this thudding music, far away and yet so loud, it swallows my voice. 

No one can hear me. I am muffled. My voice is strangled into silence. 

And as the room fades away, and I allow my mind to rescue me from the nightmare of this room, I cannot hear my voice or my whimpering cries. It shrinks into the quiet of the dark of his eyes. It is safer in the dark. Safer than where my body lies. 

----

    The sound of Dusk's hooves on the dirt track from the stables fill the silence of the sunrise. I rub my sleepless eyes, guiding her towards the paddock. Today is the first day of the countdown to the Derby. My chest flutters with nerves but I curtail my anxious breathing, keeping a steady flow, not risking the flood of panic to overwhelm me before the day has even begun. 

    As usual, I am wishing good morning to the sun peeking over the horizon of Laurel Valley, waking the town in its warm, burning orange glow. 

    "Come on, Dusk," I coo her. She follows me, huffing slightly at the early morning rise. "I know, I know it's early." 

    I am starting to think I'll never know a night's sleep again. How the sweats and gasping out of my own mind seem normal compared to rest, and a peaceful mind. My jaw clenches to push away the memories of too many nights awake, trying to hide from the recurring nightmare. I am voiceless when it comes to explaining it. I am too tired to speak it out here. Laurel Valley was meant to be an escape from it. To be able to forget. But it's the same repeating cycle. 

    Dusk nudges me with her nose, prompting me out of my mind again. I muster a tired smile, and the small blink of her eyes lets me know she understands. We take our place at the fence, a now staple place for me to retreat to, to watch the sunrise. 

    Harley's right, I think. This is the best view of the town. His words from our conversation after the cookout ring in my head, and I let out a sigh, my shoulders slumping slightly as I take my seat on the edge of the fence. The look on his face at the announcement of my name left me breathless and dizzy, his brows furrowed in a mix of confusion and worry, a barrier instantly placed between us. But he's not fighting to save anything. He's not trying to save the ranch, despite how much he loves it. 

   I am. 

     Right on cue, just as the sun reaches a comfortable place in the sky, Beau is by my side. His voice is rough and quiet, still half-asleep. We have a moment of silence between us, both taking in the warmth of the golden rays, resting over the valley, bathing us in a shimmer of summer.