shades of yellow » han seojun ff

26. butter

FLASHBACK

NO MATTER HOW many people came up to her and told her Seyeon had lived a full and happy life, the feeling of grief in Yeonwoo would never subside. Every time they bowed and offered their condolences, murmured, Seyeon is in a better place now, Yeonwoo wanted to scream at them. How could heaven be better than being with me? she wanted to yell at them. Seyeon was my other half. My soulmate. My best friend. My twin. My brother. You will never understand.

"Yeonwoo?" She looked up into the gentle, swollen eyes of Han Seojun. She hurriedly got up from her kneeling position in front of the altar, her family following suit at the sight of the boy clad in a black suit. 

After they exchanged the customary bows, he hugged the girl, hesitantly at first, but then properly as she fell into him. Her tears had long dried up, but grief still managed to swallow her whole. 

When she pulled away, he handed a paper bag to her. "I bought you these at the convenience store." Inside were heat packs. "When my father passed away, we had to bow a lot. Your knees will ache, so you and your family should use these."

"Thank you, Seojun." Her mother thanked him, as Yeonwoo did not say anything. She just stared numbly into the bag, recalling the times during the cold seasons when Seyeon would warm the heat packs for her before she used them.

"Why don't you two have something to eat?" Her mother offered, taking the bag from her daughter. She looked at Yeonwoo in concern. "You haven't eaten anything all day."

"I'm not hungry." Yeonwoo's voice was raspy, as she had also forgone drinking water.

Seojun, sensing the situation, took her by the elbow gently and said, "Let's go have something to eat, Yeonwoo-ah."

After he made her drink a cup of water and eat a few bites of noodles, he asked her tentatively, "How are you feeling?"

She stared. Then, she scoffed. "Not much. My brother is dead. What else is new?"

He was at a loss for words, startled by the uncharacteristic bitterness that laced through her voice.

She continued to say, "I'm so tired. It's only been two days without him and I'm so ... I'm so tired. I don't want to live anymore. I just want to be with Seyeon."

"Yah!" Seojun said loudly, slamming his glass onto the table harshly. Other people turned to glare at him for his outburst, but he took no notice. He could only see the sorrow-ridden girl in front of him, broken and numb. Her hair, which she had so lovingly maintained, was askew in its bun, brittle and limp.

"Why are you surprised?" She poured herself another glass of water. "Can't I be selfish like Seyeon was? Will it make a difference?"

"What about your parents? Your sister? Me?"

"All I need is Seyeon. Everything else will fall into place afterwards."

"Do you even hear yourself now?"

"I—" She stopped. Her fingers played with a loose string at the edge of her hanbok, and when it snapped, she seemed to finally realise the gravity of her words. "Y-You're right. I shouldn't. I'm sorry."

He sighed. "Don't be sorry. The last thing you should be apologising for is this."

"Is Suho coming? I thought he would be coming with you."

Seojun gritted his teeth. "He won't dare. He doesn't have the nerve."

"Seojun, what happened?"

Just as quickly, his empathy for Yeonwoo gave way to hot anger. "Do you want to know how Suho caused Seyeon's death?" He growled. She was taken aback at the sudden fury that filled his face, how his eyes blazed.

"Seojun—"

"He ignored his calls. He could have prevented his death."

"And I suppose I should have known best because I'm his twin?" The weariness in Yeonwoo's voice was piercing. She looked down into her bowl, still three-quarters full, and whispered, "Do you remember that I owe you a wish?"

He couldn't stop himself, all his feelings were barrelling full speed out of his mouth. "The ones who knew him best should have stopped him from killing himself." Those words hung heavy in the air, and Yeonwoo was fully aware of their implication:

You should have stopped him.

"I wish for you to leave." Her throat closed up and all she could see was a blurry outline of the Han boy, who was doing nothing but crushing her heart by the second. She tiredly rebuked him, "Leave before I say something I'll regret." She then closed her eyes, not wanting to see his face.

When she opened her eyes, he was gone.

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a/n: i changed the chapter titles to, surprise!, various shades of yellow. this chappie is titled butter in honour of bts's new song HAhAHAHAH